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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
I have a semi superstitious view of dreams where, if one dreams vividly of interacting with someone they know, perhaps the person is really thinking about them. It's probably bullshit but I had a couple of dreams, back during my ex's deparment move, where he appeared. In the first one he was trying to physically make me stay where he was (in all reality, this is probably because he refused to let me leave the apartment because he thought I was more unhinged than I really am) and in a couple of consecutive dreams he did petty things like revealing my eating disorder to my family because it would absolve him in their eyes since society is a b***h to people with food disorders. The dreams injected venom into my work day because it was like being betrayed all over again. Those dreams are, most likely, manifestations of my dislike over being confined/not being given the space necessary to process my emotions and ideations involving what kind of damage my ex could do if he were truly petty. I guess the fact that he hasn't done that means that he isn't though. I'm so happy that I have a partner that takes care of me now and realizes when he's said something selfish. I was tired of being the only one with a filter that, at the end of my previous relationship, I just stopped giving a crap. I don't think I have enough details to critique the end of that relationship based on conversations had prior to that final day. All I remember is being barraged with insults and then treated like I was going to do something to myself after the fact. I remember questioning whether doing something was preferrable to returning home to my parents but I knew that starting fresh with someone and being straight about myself and the situation I'm in will, hopefully, be my best bet for leading the life I want to lead. Trying to mend my previous relationship seemed beyond my ability and I still stand by that today. I don't fully understand what happened and why small significant interactions occurred. I know why the day happened but some emotions from it were mystifying. The events from following days are also jumbled up in my brain. I don't remember exactly when our trip to the Italian restaurant happened or whether he was trying to just get what he can get before I leave completely or whether he was actually trying to save the relationship. I'm happy he's on vacation because I generally feel less stressed and less prone to writing.

Le Visage Inconnu
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