It's the middle of the work day and I'm pretty exhausted. I'm having trouble shaking very depressing thoughts today. Lately they've surfaced a few times every day but I'm beginning to feel like I really don't want to do anything except lie in bed. I'm having really strong feelings that I've characterized as resent for being on this earth to experience complete boredom and getting crapped on more frequently than having rewarding experiences. I dislike the fact that I'm very aware that everything anybody gives a crap about doesn't matter because the fact that consciousness exists is just a infinitesimally small error carried out by the way that matter interacts. I have a ton of mirth directed toward people that decide to crap out children so they can carry over this experience of slowly dying to yet another being that had no say and calling it a "gift of life". Nothing gives me more angst than that stupid phrase. It sure is a gift to slowly wait for disease and decomposition to take their course while frantically engaging in disgusting needs to satisfy a body that I hate 'driving'. This existence shouldve belonged to some dumb bimbo that doesn't have self awareness besides ******** and selfishly shitting out kids while being a slave to the wage for a full third of her daily mon-fri existence. Being alive is as appealing as finding out that somebody smeared body fluids all over a porta potty you can't avoid using.
To continue a theme, even memories are insignificant. I have many of my ex and I growing up that he just doesnt remember. I'm stuck with an elaborate opinion on his character based on those experiences and I'm just some random chick he liked to bang for convenience and threw out because he didn't want to deal with her mental illness. Now he acts salty because I treated him the same way he treated me.
In lighter moods, I realized that I associate him with success now and a counterpoint for where I should try to be in my career. I've essentially figured out I literally know nothing about his personality since the way I've treated him is basically in response to the kind of person he was while we were kids. I'm currently exploring a new paradigm of perspective about his behavior. I think this combined with my original lack of means to make any gestures of care in behavior points to a ridiculous lack of communication. I had no car to drive to emphasize the length I'd go to spend time with him and I had no money to alternate expenses. For him, I was essentially a leech. It's shocking how much of strangers we were toward each other after such a long period of time. The sheer idea of this makes me feel like an unmoored buoy in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. I had my most important experiences with someone I didn't really know. I think I had more to say but I don't remember what it is. Maybe I'll talk about it in the next post. For now, this helped me go down a notch in anxiety.
Le Visage Inconnu
· Mon Apr 16, 2018 @ 06:52pm · 0 Comments