So, a lot of things have been happening in my life and I feel it only fitting that I start from the beginning. By which I mean, February 17th.
The 17th of February I was forced to say goodbye to another of my adopted senior family members. My cat Babe, whom I had been caring for for only 6 months, had cancer in her face and the tumor had grown to such a size that it was tearing through the skin of her cheek. I refused to wait until the painkillers wore off and she was in agony again before acting so we took her in and I held her in my arms for the last time. I'm still not over her loss. It was like losing my childhood cat Missy all over again, she was why I was determined I would never have another cat. I couldn't handle the loss. And here we are.
I started a new job in March. It's a large step down in hours (25-30 a week instead of 40) but it's better for my mental health than a call centre could ever be. I've been there a little over a month now and I have to say I'm very much enjoying it.
Now, there's something more pressing that's weighing on my mind. I have a crush on a mutual friend of me and my boyfriend. It's been this way for a number of weeks now and while I know fleeting crushes in long term relationships are normal this one will not go away. What's more is that I feel like I'm emotionally cheating on my boyfriend because I can't block out the fantasies I have of myself and our friend together.
This being said though, we've been growing apart for a while, I just haven't realized it. Looking back I see now that I've been growing as a person, learning how to handle my mental illness, figuring out my place, financially figuring myself out and figuring out what I want out of my life. He seems to be in the exact same place he was 5 years ago when we started dating. He behaves just as childishly and with just as little concern for the logistics of financially how we are going to begin our life together but selfishly brings out the "I want it now" argument.
Two years ago he told me to get over my mental illness, to just be happy. I guess this was the starting point for where we are now if I had to pick one looking back. Fast forward two years and while he's trying to be sympathetic (I was on medication before I lost my job which made me feel incredibly sick 24/7. I had to stop taking it) he's still very short with me. He picks fights with me (or tries to) about stupid little things and I find myself very often being ebbed into the beginnings of a fight. It's exhausting,
I've thought about our future a lot over the years. Our age difference was something other people used to point out as a problem (I'm 23, he just turned 46) but I never paid those comments any mind. We were fine. I wouldn't have believed that his immaturity and poor communication skills would bring us here.
The hard thing is though that even though I have a foot out the door I can't break things off with him at the moment. He just received news that his brother is terminally ill and has 2-3 years left. I don't want to compound on that.
In 15 weeks time our friend writes a major exam. If not for that I'd be speaking to him now but I will not risk being a source of distraction. When his exam is over I'll talk to him and I'll use the time as well (if things have not improved between us) to talk to my boyfriend. Five years is a long time to be together only to have it culminate to this but I can't be with someone who seeks confrontation with me on a regular basis and whose immaturity keeps us from making concrete plans.
I can only hope that when this is resolved I haven't torn apart the group of friends that my boyfriend and I have. I want us to be civil and adult enough to continue to spend time with our friends. They mean too much to me to lose.