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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
My blood is a powder;That flows through my veins by the hour
So I had a couple of hiccups while going through the application process for the college I'm going to for my masters. I ironed them out but it blows my mind that there's no process set up where individuals in the financial aid office call applicants to tell them issues associated with loans they applied for. Apparently Sallie Mae doesn't always offer the correct attendance period as an option for their dropdown (why this isn't automatically adjusted every year, I have no idea) but apparently you need to call their customer service to have a customer rep (sounds weird, doesn't it, for a loan center..."customer"...) adjust the time manually. The financial center at college doesnt let you know why it's not processing a loan so, for all you know, it's just taking extra office time to process and you sit there waiting, if you're not careful. So that's set up but I also learned that I need to get a set of vaccines again. Maybe I'll get HPV too even though I wasn't told that that one was necessary. That's another thing that reminds me of complete bullshit. When my doctor asked whether I wanted to, my mom was in the room and there was definitely a straight forward question whether I was sexually active in my teens. The doctor was either extremely stupid or had a personal vendetta against carrying out recommended medical procedures to avoid horrible diseases. The amount of doctors that do this sort of crap where they prioritize their personal sexual morals vs what should be HIPAA regulations is astounding. What's more, I don't live in some backwoods. This sort of treatment has convinced me that I should probably have my boyfriend in the same room when I ask for sterilization eventually. The fact that I'm not even allotted control over my own body for medical issues is one of the things that makes it so easy to not give a s**t about my health. If I don't have control then some random p***k with puritanical quotes up his or her a*****e certainly won't. Anyway, I'm really sore today for some reason. I didn't mention but, in this relationship, SM and I actually go out with his friends at least every other week so we get out of the apartment for double dates on a regular basis. I think I prefer dating someone that has a set of friends for passive event planning. Every time I consider going to an event alone, I just lack the motivation for it. I'm not sure whether I don't understand my personality and preferences that well or if my disorder is leaching all emotions I would normally have that are good as well as placating the bad with a neurochemical rush associated with salt and sugar.

I've polished off Rammstein recently since that whole thing with my ex has reminded me of some early preferences for music that I developed through his recommendations. Toward the end of our relationship he said something to the effect of "I just suggested what you would like but I'm not really into this kind of music". I don't know why it's so difficult to find someone that likes many genres vs just sticking to one genre with the same instruments and elements. I don't think I could just listen to straight up synthpop my entire life either and it's my favorite genre. If he had to isolate my music tastes from his than all the power to him. I figure we have less in common than even I was aware of. I honestly think that the only reason our parents thought we were so alike was because we both had social anxiety and both walk in a defensive posture if we're not working on our confidence. That's rather a crap reason for romantic association.

My little sister is back from the Caiman Islands. I remember my trip and having to watch my ex's dad kite surfing. It was pretty lame just sitting on the beach and not really doing anything because my dad wanted to see what kite surfing was all about. I'm sure my dad thought he would be allowed to try on the gear and try surfing too. It really didn't work out that way because my ex's dad isn't really that big on sharing his items when the action supersedes his personal enjoyment. I'd really like to try kite surfing even though I'd probably find a way to hurt myself now that I've lost a lot of muscle tone after beginning this new relationship. I had to give up exercise in order to have the time to drive to see SM. That was fine by me, at the time, because the amount of running I was doing was wearing down my body. I was up to 16/17 miles daily at that point. I wonder whether exercise is really part of my disorder or if it's just a measure I took to try to control my disorder that got out of hand and that I used instead to reinforce my issues. That sounds like it's right on the money.

I'm pretty sure I wrote plenty for now so I'll just inject some music to break things up and call it a post. Here are some songs that I'm enjoying now:

Rammstein - Mein Teil
Crystal Castles - Kept
Goodbye Moonmen- Rick and Morty Remix
Melotron- Du bist es nicht wert
Rammstein - Mein Herz Brennt
Eisfabrik - I Dont Miss It
Apoptygma Berzerk - Kathy's Song (VNV Nation remix)
Aesthetic Perfection - Big Bad Wolf (Ashbury Heights Remix)

I think this next song is pretty funny even though I don't think it was intended that way. I like it as a song enough to add it to my Google Play(list) too:

Titans - Dried Out

Le Visage Inconnu
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