I'm letting my subconscious just figure it out for me because it knows better than I do.
I feel like I don't have much to say after I did some music tripping. I think it's another way my emotions feel validated. I wonder if I should try going for music production instead? But I think there's much more for me to learn there than if I wrote.
I think if I did it right, my writing will be more accessible. It doesn't have to be a full experience like listening to music. I think I'll leave that to the pros. I mean, I'm not crossing out that possibility. Writing is just more accessible to me right now. I'm always going to want to find ways to express myself, and I like learning about the many different mediums I could do that.
I've been reflecting last night on how I really ditched the journaling thing for the longest time because I don't write journals the way I used to. Back then it felt like a really committed thing because I felt like I had to stay on topic and explore things deeper - use vertical logic all the time. I think that may have caused me to grow so slow. But I think that's okay, because most people operate like that.
I use lateral thinking much more now, to the point that my daily entries are barely linear, if at all. I used to feel obliged to make sense to my reader, but now I'm writing for myself, and I taught myself to accept myself as I really am, no matter what comes up. So this has actually been a very good learning experience for me.
Funny how this all started when I started telling myself, I want to be my own best friend, because in the end I'm the only one who's going to be with me every moment until the very end.
And it's funny because the me that I thought was myself, what I've been telling my ego or what my ego was telling me I was, wasn't me at all. Someone came up - people came up - so many selves came up, that was deeper, crazier, a whole new level more real and authentic than I ever knew reality could ever be. It's like I discovered I was a rosebud - so many layers aside from the bulb hesitating to bloom. And once I was okay with opening it up, it opened up. People saw it. People didn't understand. The ones that couldn't deal with it, I left or they left me. I've kept growing ever since, and it doesn't stop anymore. So I'm not just a rose now. I'm a thousand-petal lotus now, and I don't know when the blooming ends.
I wonder how I can write all that in a way people will understand. Martin gave me some things to keep in mind when writing for public consumption, and I find that I'm not really interested in writing for public consumption. Maybe I'll just write for me. Maybe I'll think of a story I want to tell for me. Although, if I'm telling a story to myself... I don't know if it's going to be about where I've been, because I know all that already. I try to ditch the preachy side of me when I post on Facebook or similar, and just focus on the joy of sharing and discovery and wonder. So I don't know how I could tell myself a story while feeling that, while giving that to myself as I go back to it and edit it. How is that even possible?
Is just writing every day like this enough? Maybe I just need to write more. Maybe write for a month, write for a few months before something comes to me.
I like that when I think-type like this, the words just come out because it's a stream of thought kind of narration. I vaguely remember Kerouac writing something like this, and I didn't have the patience for it. I suppose that will be how people will take it if I write like this and turn it into a publication. I didn't want that originally, but now I'm considering the possibility that it's worthwhile to make something like that anyway, that it's just a matter of finding the people it's good for.
How do you find the people that sort of thing is good for? I don't think my experience in marketing has the answer, nor anyone still in it. That's what I didn't like about marketing - if you get into it too much, you don't retain your soul. I left because eventually I became more interested in finding my soul than in having the skill to express things well. Because what do you have to express? I still think that's the most important thing.
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