I miss you a lot. I miss spending time with you. I was so happy when you stayed upstairs and talked to me for a while. When you told me you were going to stop by my work and say hello. That's the sort of thing I hope for often but never believe would happen. But... I don't really know why you're doing this. You must know that I still love you, that I can't stop loving you? That these small little gestures, like asking me when I'm off so those are the days you'll come by, gives me hope I'm not allowed to have.
You're my friend I guess, right? It's better if I convince myself you don't care about me... it's better if I stop feeling anything for you at all. But I can't do that, can I? I love you so much.
A few times today we glanced at eachother, but quickly looked away. I don't know what you're thinking. You can't seriously believe that I've given up on you, right? Even if I tell myself to do it... I can't. It's not possible for me to stop myself from wanting you. But... I can't let myself believe I have a chance, because if I do I'll just be crushed again. I have to put up walls around my heart, and do my best to act normally with you... and expect nothing. I'll just take whatever you're willing to give me.
Is that sad? Maybe it is... but what else can I do? I'm just glad to spend time with you. I was hoping maybe you'd stay tonight since it's been a while... but I'm very tired anyways. I haven't been sleeping well. I made an appointment next week to see my doctor and finally do something about my depression. I'm hoping that with some help, I'll be able to love doing things again. That I won't sit here and obsess about you all day long. That I'll quit feeling so paranoid and anxious that I see the worst in everything and imagine things that aren't true. That I'll feel okay about the fact that you might never love me again.
It still hurts... it always hurts. It hurts so much I don't know how to deal with this anymore, I feel like I'm at my limit. Everytime I get a message from you, see you, anything.... it's like my heart is being torn to shreds.
I'm so happy to see you, but I want to be near you.
I want to feel the touch of your hand again, the affection you used to look at me with.
I want so many things you don't want anymore.
But... I still feel something in the air, but it's tinged with pain. I wish I could describe this without sounding like a complete loon. Maybe I am one. Maybe once I get the help I need I'll have a different perspective on everything. I'm just hoping I can be happier, and become more of a fun person to be around, and... have a life.
I'm certain I'll still love you, like I always will, but maybe it'll be easier to deal with. I'm hoping so. God I hope so.
Still... I miss you, until then, maybe always. Did you actually miss me a little, too...? Is that why you asked me when I'm off? I know you don't want to be a jerk, but.... you shouldn't encourage me. You shouldn't... but I'm still a little happy. Just a little.
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