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Life is Overrated
This, my fellow Gaians, is the insight of my random, weird mind. Scared? You should be.
friends? friends.
sooooo there's this guy. i developed a crush on him after the first time we really got to know each other. he seemed really cool, and he made me feel special. we spent more and more time together, and i found out we had a lot in common.

then it turned out he liked guys.

(he says he's bi. i'm not so sure, but he's very insistent that he likes women too. i'll give him the benefit of the doubt.)

i knew he was bi and was fine with it. on valentine's day, he said he was going out to a bar with a friend from lab.

he told my friend that they slept together.

that threw me off. i thought we were vibing and that we were headed towards ... something.

my friends told me he was gay. i had to tell myself that too; however, i had a hard time convincing myself.

the more time i spent with him, the more i believed it.

but ...

but there was a part of me that said whatever. there was a part of me that said, enjoy what we have. we were flirty and touchy, and i liked that. i hadn't had that with anyone in a long time.

so i kind of hoped something would become of it even though i knew nothing long term would happen. i just wanted to have fun.

and then other people got involved.

he was confronted, and i was confronted. (at different times. i didn't know he was confronted the same night i was.)

people were convinced that something was going on with us.

honestly, i kind of loved the attention and the fact that people were speculating about us. i was a topic of conversation? cool.

and then he confronted me and said he just wanted to be friends, so i had to set my unrealistic desires to mess around aside. i told him i knew that we were friends, which was true. i knew deep down that anything more wouldn't work.

i felt a little awkward around him afterwards.

but he still invited me over to hang out at his place during our break.

and i went.

this was after my grandma's funeral.

my grandma's funeral changed everything. i got closure i didn't have before, and suddenly, i saw him differently.

he's still attractive, sure, but i no longer feel the desire to kiss him or do anything more. at the beginning, i was so attracted to him physically that it drove me crazy. all those feelings are gone. i even thought his cologne smelled so good, and it does (luckily, hahah imagine if it made me sick or something) but in a different way. before, i wanted to like bury my face in his neck, but now, i just appreciate it.

we're friends.

and i'm okay with that.

my guy is out there. somewhere. i'll meet him one day (hopefully).

until then.





 
 
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