I feel crazy today...
Like it's one of those days I'm not going to get any work done. I haven't had one of these in a minute. And I think the funny part is....especially lately when I say, "Oh, I can just do this at home." ...... I DON'T!! rofl rofl Especially on weekends! I barely get s**t done, work wise, on weekends! 4laugh
I also don't particularly feel like eating right now...ugh.
I still feel drained and saddened after hanging out with one or more of my friends. Still not sure why that is. Especially when I recently hung out with Bilal (who just recently moved to the area) and my sisters and definitely didn't feel those feelings.
Marlon invited me (everyone actually, but I'm the only one that showed up) to happy hour and I ended up meeting some of his old work peeps and it was fun...I spent too much money though sweatdrop I dropped him off at home, went home and went to sleep...and I woke up the next morning feeling like I wish I could care just a little less.
Those feelings were also a mixture of some things I'm going through with Rob now. We haven't really spoken and have gone days without hearing from him and of course I'm really feeling some kind of way. The moment that sticks in my head was Wednesday last week. He called me in the morning at like 9am and ruined my interview. I called him back near lunch time, he didn't pick up and didn't call back that day. I called him again later that night, twice - back-to-back, and he picked up the second time saying he fell asleep on the couch and that he was going to go back upstairs and go to sleep but he was talking to someone in the background and abruptly got off the phone. The weird part is that as of late he hasn't been going to sleep until 3 or 4am.
And his birthday is on Thursday....I should send him something. A bear and balloon would be cute. I think I'll just go up there with it. But watch me ask and he say no I can't come cry
Anyway, the issue I have what feeling less is that we, as adults in the world, are already conditioned to feel less than what we normally feel due to the desensitization of different aspects and sad parts of society. Honestly, I already feel like I walk around....feeling and looking grey, almost void of emotion on the regular...how much less can I really feel?
in fact, I'd rather be able and open enough to feel and express more fully, authentically and whole-heartedly...but honestly, to do that in this world for someone sensitive like me is literally suicide. You have to guard and protect your heart from those that seek to inflict negativity...and since I'm such a feeler, my heart is always involved. heart
I guess I do just want to feel like. For my friends, I want to feel the same way I feel for my one-off friends. I guess because it's a group of us and I've always envisioned being apart of a great group of friends that love spending time and loving each other....and this isn't quite what I had in mind...but maybe it's close enough.
Alas, I'm not into it today. I'll probably leave here at 4pm - Blake and Julie are both working from home for the rest of the day so I think I'll definitely leave soon after our UNC call...or right after my meeting with Carrie, which I'll probably cut short.
I'm trying to do a little workout, watch anime and gym later on tonight before going to bed. God willing, I can actually go to the grocery and/or apply for this damn job too.
One Love heart
Music: "Please Protect My Heart" - Tamia from Between Friends
· Tue Mar 20, 2018 @ 05:59pm · 0 Comments