The shadows in my mind are hard to cope with. The pessimism they bring makes me subject to paranoia and delusions... and I start to read too much into little things. The things that no one else even bats an eye at. When it comes to people... feelings... I've always been like that. I think too much. The pain in my chest grows and becomes a stone tied to my heart that I can't loosen on my own. Why am I so dependent on other people? Can't I sort through all of this on my own? It seems that every time I try, I start to drown... everything become heavier and heavier until I can't stand anymore. I don't want to feel so alone. But I won't let just anyone into my heart. I don't have anyone to wipe away my tears, but that's my fault, because I'm so fixated on a person who doesn't want to play that role for me.
I got to talk with Britt about many things the other night, it brought me a lot of relief. For while, the pain subsided, and being able to clarify the state of things brings me stability. We had a lot of fun together, and bringing humor to sad moments enables me to think about them easier. When I'm able to share my inner thoughts and feelings, I don't feel so alone. My own head isn't a chamber where I argue with myself and the voices of optimism and pessimism are perpetually at war with eachother. I can listen to a real voice; something reassuring. A perspective that isn't as wrapped up in emotional desperation as mine is. And it brings understanding.
Not... completely, mind you. But that's impossible right now. Confusion abounds amongst everyone, I think...
Matt was playing in a major tournament this weekend, and I got to watch him play via stream. I only got to see two matches because that was all they streamed of him I believe, and I burned through all of my data to do so since I was working at the time, but it was totally worth it. I was so happy to watch him play.... even if he didn't do too well on his first match and got super irritated haha. I wanted to talk to him more, but... he didn't really keep in contact with me much. I'm not sure what I expected. He wouldn't think about me at an event like that... or at all, really. I was trying to text him and ask about how things went this morning, but... he never answered me. This isn't uncommon, but I think what upset me the most about this was that both Britt and Aaron managed to receive texts from him about how the tournament went, and I got... nothing.
Even though I really wanted to know, and I was trying to keep up with what was happening, he didn't even care about writing me... I think this should probably tip me off about my insignificance in his life. If he thought about me at all, I'm sure he would have texted me to tell me how he was doing... or maybe he did think of it, but chose not to. Whichever the answer, this is a good indication about my real standing for him. Even after all this time, even if he keeps telling me I matter, I just... don't. I really really don't. Why do I have to love him so much? Why am I the only one who has to feel this way, to go through all of this? Why am I not worth anything...? I should just understand that this isn't going to change at this point. He doesn't want to keep me close to him, I'm not even on the same level as his other friends. I'm his ex-girlfriend and I'll never be free of this stigma, let alone be someone dear in his heart ever again. I can never make up for the mistakes I've made or how much I hurt him.
I just don't matter anymore, and no matter how much I cry it doesn't mean a thing.
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