I had such a great night. All four of us - Britt, Aaron, Matt and me -- played Divinity 2 for a good chunk of the night. I bought pizza, and somehow through the error of the person taking our order we ended up with waaaayyy too much pop, which was pretty funny but also slightly distressing haha. After Britt and Aaron went to bed, Matt had me play Metroid Fusion while he watched and gave me tips, and then we stood around in the kitchen for a bit while he ate cereal and laughed about dumb stuff and that dog video he keeps spamming people with. This reminds me of the way he used to play these kinds of videos when we lived together... that horrible Sanic video at full blast when I was trying to nap, or the butter video over and over. And you know what? I ******** missed it. God I missed him. When I used to be obsessed with an archetype I thought I wanted to be with... the super serious sort, you know, essentially Miles Edgeworth, I never really considered this kind of humor to be a positive trait or anything I really cared about. But experiencing dating someone who never found any of this ridiculous s**t funny or could laugh about it with me? It sucked. Having this type of absurdist, ironic humor lost on my partner detracted a lot from my enjoyment of finding and trying to share these kinds of things. But Matt basically lives and breathes this s**t. I act like I'm annoyed, but the truth is I find it just as funny as he does. It's exactly the kind of humor I understand and get behind. But I mean... we were partners, right? The more time I spend with him, the more I realize... or rather remember, all the little habits I stole from him. The inflections, the sayings. I never lost his influence... in a way. I was just too detached at the time to see it. But I mean... our entire group tends to share its humor so... there's that too.
After nights like these, nights when I feel like we really connect emotionally, I feel so complete and at peace. I feel so good. Like my heart and soul has been given something it desperately needed. That's... him. Proximity to him, being given his focus... it fills me with a light I can't describe. Everything about being together is just so.... right. The only thing missing is the physical contact, but even just being like this brings me so much happiness. It's times like this that I know everything I feel and believe in has to be true. I'm just... waiting and praying for him to understand.
Still, trying to refrain from physically interacting with him is a struggle in of itself. I don't want to cross any boundaries and set us back at square one. What has been built here is way too precious to me to risk it all on a chancy and likely fleeting intimate venture. But the desire is there, and I've seriously considered trying to approach him with the idea of physical gratification no-strings-attached, despite knowing that's not really what I want, but merely because I want to be with him so badly. If the opportunity came up... I know I'd take it, in a heartbeat. But I won't instigate anything. I want to be with him properly... I don't just want sex. But I do really want sex. But that's because I love him, not just because the sex is good.... which it totally is. What a frustrating situation.
No, no.... I can't do that. I have this feeling that if I take the easy way out that'll be the end of things. There'll be a status quo that won't be breached and.... I'll never really have a proper relationship with him. That's what I think. I might still never regardless, but.... still. No matter how tempting it might seem, I can't reach out to him in that way. I'll just happily spend any time I can get with him and.... maybe someday, he'll feel all the things for me that I do for him. Maybe he won't, but... I love him. There's no one else on this earth I want to give myself to, I don't want to be touched by anyone else. Only him.
What do you feel when we're together...? I wonder...
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