The party did ... not go as well as I was hoping. At first I was having a lot of fun; I got to talk with everyone, I started drinking early and got drunk pretty damn fast (ty copious amounts of Vodka drowned in martini mixer and 7up) and then I even won my first Mario Party game. I got to meet Matt's smash friend Justyce, and even found out that Jon didn't actually hate me anymore. There were some good things. Regrettably, the alcohol made me stupidly emotional and one lukewarm interaction with Matt was all it took for me to lose it and run upstairs crying like the internal wreck I am. Kate found me really quickly and comforted me like the great friend she is, and Britt joined her and between the two of them they managed to calm my drunken hysterics and we bonded in my room for what was, apparently-but-totally-didn't-feel-like it, 3 entire hours.

I really, really pray that Matt did not find out or have any idea about my little meltdown or at least doesn't remember it (he got pretty drunk himself) because I do not want to bring the status of our friendship back to awkward. Justyce knows about it unfortunately since I broke down right in front of him (smooth) and I hope he has enough sense not to tell him about it. Matt was asking Britt about whether or not I was okay, but that's probably just because I disappeared for hours.... thank goodness Britt covered for me. I don't want him to know about how badly I've been hurting and risk making him put distance between us again.

I didn't make it to the finals obviously since I was too piss drunk and upset to play, but I'm still happy I won my game, even if it was mostly just coincidence thanks to Mario Party being random like that. I was not winning any of those ******** minigames due to my inebriation and the one I did was COMPLETELY by chance.

I'm actually upset I ruined my own night. Everyone else seemed to be having a great time and our house was pretty trashed, but it's whatever. I'd like to do it again sometime and pray that this time I'm better behaved. Maybe drink less? Yeah ******** right. I hope the circumstances are better next time... is all.

Before this whole night happened I asked Britt to read my tarot for me. I can't connect with my cards right now.... I think I burnt out my energy, or the energy of the cards with my constant erratic negativity. Nothing I pull is making sense to me or feeling right anymore. I know it's my fault... I need to step back and try to cleanse them later when I can become more detached from the situation, probably. Anyways, I had Britt do it for me... and had very interesting results. Her readings have always been absurdly accurate for me, I believe she has very strong connections to the occult and spiritualism in general which enables her divination accuracy, I don't think I've had a reading yet that's actually failed to come to pass... to be honest. Her entire reading for that night was a spread of delays, delays and slow progress, and in the environment/feeling section was the Six of Swords in reverse... the card of being unable to move on. A good description of my situation. The outcome however... was The Lovers. We were both very shocked to see that there. Up until now the only time The Lovers was present in a spread she did for me, was in reverse in the 'feelings' section immediately following the fiasco that happened between me and Matt, indicative of his romantic disinterest in me or perhaps that he was only sexually attracted to me. Ergo, having it as the outcome to a spread in an upright position is... a pretty big deal. The Lovers is a complicated card that doesn't always mean outright love or happy endings admittedly, it can also denote having to make a tough and impacting choice, usually between two people, but it can also just as equally mean a soulmate-level bond. I've never gotten The Lovers for anyone before. I wanted to make sure it wasn't about making a choice and asked her what she felt about the card... and if it was about me at all. She told me she was thinking about me when she drew it, and she immediately thought of Matt and had a feeling of excitement. Since I was not the one who drew the card I couldn't sense the feelings of the cards the way she could. I could only trust her judgment on this situation.

Truth be told... despite everything that's happened between me and Matt, even though I frequently lose myself in the heartache of the situation and fall into extreme pessimism... I have never ever given up the idea of us being together. My love for him is completely unconditional and no matter how many times I've been knocked down, I've kept my feet firmly planted in the ground. Because I strongly believe more than I've ever felt about anything in this world in the bond that we have... that we should have. Maybe this just makes me seem like a delusional and obsessive person... but that's fine. I still believe it, and I'll keep hanging on to that belief with all my heart. I know he's the person I want to be with and I'd rather be with nobody at all than compromise. But I won't push him... I've told him my feelings and he knows... I'll just be here in any way he needs me to be. No matter what.

Having The Lovers card drawn in spite of the very precarious and emotionally silent situation we have going on right now... makes me wonder how it's going to manifest itself. I want to hope that it means somehow I'm going to change his mind and he'll start seeing me the way I see him, as someone I want to spend my life with, but I doubt it'll be that easy. Whichever it goes... Britt didn't read it as a negative card and it traditionally isn't, so god I can only hope that it means something good is coming my way, somehow. I'm tired of crying and feeling hopeless. It might not be any time soon so I need to keep being patient. I'll be as patient as I need to be, and in the meantime I'll try to be strong and smile as brightly as I can for him.

A customer asked for my number this week, but of course I had to politely decline. But positive attention is flattering... and admittedly good for my ego. Because everything that's been going on hasn't exactly done wonders for my self-esteem and perception of attractiveness.... but I am also slowly fixing my skin and I am feeling a bit better when I look in the mirror now. I dyed my hair a flattering dark auburn colour and have only gotten compliments so far from everyone. I notice that people have been a bit warmer with me since then, especially men, so I think it does make me look more pleasing. Of course the person I want attention from the most though is... ah, well, I don't even need to say it. Haha.

After the disappointments of the party, I'm hoping that Britt can help me get him over here this weekend so I can have, hopefully, more of a positive interaction to leave off with before he begins his back-to-back tournament binge. I wonder if I should text him goodluck before he begins his first match... we'll see how much courage I have.