I asked him to come with my staff party. I wasn't really expecting him to say yes.... but because there was a small chance he might, I still went for it. I was terrified he'd just ignore my messages, like he used to... but he actually gave me a direct answer. It was to decline me, of course, but .... he still answered me, and he wasn't mean about it... in a way, I was happy about that. But I was still disappointed for a bit, and my brain spent a good while mentally berating me for even thinking there was a chance he'd want to go. It's hard... when you're your own worst enemy. You can't escape yourself. Thankfully I have another voice that tries to cheer me up and tells me not to listen to my own harsh criticism... otherwise I think I'd be a lot worse off than I am now. It's a battle in my head on the daily, one voice telling me I'm worthless and there's nothing to love about me... and the other telling me I need to keep holding on, that I've already come so far.
I don't know which one is true, but ... this duality exists somehow.
I just keep living and trying to enjoy the good moments as they come.
And they do... even if I can't be with him all the time, even if he didn't want to come to my party, even if any of my plans to see him in the future are foiled, there will be another day. As long as he's in my life in some way.... there'll be another day like last Friday. And that's what keeps me going, knowing that being turned down today, doesn't mean that he'll disappear. Sometimes the feeling of loneliness hits me like a truck, and my heart squeezes up painfully, and I feel like I'll never reach the end of it all.... but I've been trying so hard not to fall into despair. Despair won't change anything, it won't mean anything. No matter how much it hurts at times, I need to keep my control. If he doesn't want to be apart of my life.... I can't make him. Even though I want to experience everything with him... even though I want him by my side, that's just not my call to make. I still think about the past... how he would have come with me back then, how he wouldn't have hesitated to say sure. When I think too hard about that, I start crying again, about all of the things I could have done back then that I no longer have the opportunity to do. How I never realized when I chose to leave him, how much of a hole in my heart there'd be. In some ways... I wish I had never figured it out. I set myself on such a long and difficult path... but it's worth it, for those moments. In the end, I think I had to suffer this much to understand... and to know how much to value love.
I still had a good time, albeit our party didn't even last very long. By the time Ted came to pick up me, then Dahlia, and we got the pizza Jacques bought, and I picked out some alcohol, and we drove to Jenn's house.... the party didn't go on for much longer. Everyone wasn't present for one thing, and a number of people cleared out somewhat quickly. I was determined to get ragingly drunk that night however and I definitely succeeded at that! I was drinking straight vodka, which.... Kayla was somewhat impressed about hahah. I was a bit worried that when I was drinking I would get immensely sad and make a fool of myself, but thankfully that didn't happen. The fool part is arguable, but I actually had a lot of fun. Kayla and Jacques came back with me to my house and we were drinking in the basement, until my stomach hurt too badly from the alcohol and I had to kick them out then go lie in the shower for 2 hours until the hot water made me feel better. Then I passed out, slept for a long time.... got up, and then went back to sleep for most of the day.
I'm really tired today and my face hurts. The antibiotics I was taking cleared up my face, but now I have another outbreak occurring.... I'm really sad about this. I was hoping that I could look good for the Mario Party shindig Matt is throwing this Friday... but of course I couldn't be fortunate enough to have a clear face. I feel like I'm never going to be cute again in my life. How is he supposed to be attracted to me when I have 5 blemishes on my face at once I can't even cover up? I've had dreams where he told me I wasn't attractive enough for him... and really, it's probably true. I mean... he's gorgeous, he has probably gotten better looking women since we dated... and my skin problems has only caused me to look worse. When am I going to get a break? I'm so tired of things....
I'm changing my hair this Tuesday. Of course beautiful hair won't mean much if my face looks like a trainwreck, but here's hoping that I miraculously clear up in time. I really really hope it's going to be a fun time.... everyone is going to be here, and there'll be alcohol involved... drinking might make me more courageous. I hope that whatever I end up doing... it'll be well received and I won't make an a** of myself or make any delicate situations worse.
I just... want to be with him... even when I'm trying to distract myself, even if I'm trying to burden others with my feelings less.... I still think about him. I wish he thought about me too. I wish.... that wishing meant a damn thing....
Please let this week be good. I want to have fun. I want...
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