The presupposition that my consciousness, coupled with neuroses, is more than the self-imposition of ego on my brain, dismissing offhand that who I am is little more than a way to facilitate progeny, and ignoring that objective reality is tethered and tied the incomplete array of sensory paraphernalia of the Human Machine, with all the interesting aspects playing out in periphery, let's assume that I'm a real person.
The shallowest parts of me miss, so deeply, love. My heart hasn't been weathered, weakened, or worn by its absence. Probably because it's never left me. It's never loved me back, so don't get me wrong; I'm never truly without it, but it is incomplete. And so am I.
I have bottomless heart! Unfortunately it's not unlike a tomb hiding under a monument to basal and banal desires that are informed by being touch-starved. A one-sided relationship where my unrequited love for being alive is the very energy that makes me long for the other side of life. Fighting against and fending off cravings only with a forked-, sharpened-, and silver tongue leaves me ill-equipped for the task at hand. It's like fighting off too tall waves with anchors. It doesn't help that attack the spot by wanting the same things. Cuts eventually form scars after all.
I have dreams where I'm being hugged or held because it's almost been a decade since I have been. I often muse on being lonely. I don't really know what it means though. Not anymore. I mean, after you've been something for so long, you're just that thing. That's the new normal. If one is chronically ill or always tired, one would come to understand what that means and accommodate themselves accordingly. It's not quite the same with loneliness as I know, but it's close enough. The comparison still works. Instead of a regimen of medicine, I have to be careful when I interact with people. I'm prone to panic and feeling overwhelmed half the time. The other half, I'm cold, distant, and disinterested. I figure if no one gets in, then they can't leave. Neither of them are who I wanted to ever be, but who I am now.
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