I write way too much in my journal these days, but I have no idea what other form of outlet I can channel my feelings into. I talk to Britt a lot, but there's only so much I can place on her or expect her to put up with.... She's so understanding, I'm immensely grateful for that. She has her own stresses to put up with, let alone having to act as an emotional crutch for my heartbreak. I just don't know how to soothe how much this hurts. And it always hurts. For 10 months now I've been pining over him... and it hasn't gotten easier at all. During the summer... I was able to shove these feelings somewhere into a corner while I focused on Jacques, but I'm done with that and it wouldn't work anymore. I don't have any way of escaping from any of this. It probably doesn't help that I see him all the time, but I don't want to give that up. I can't give up on him or these feelings, no matter how doubtful I am about them ever being returned. What else am I supposed to do? I love him so much. I feel it every time we're together. It just seems so... right. I always has... to me. I want this life with him -- me, him, Britt and Aaron, all together. Just the way it used to be. The way it should be. And... I do have that to an extent, I'll admit, which I'm very grateful for. I know I'm getting greedy. I want more and I'm so impatient... because I know how I feel with absolute certainty, what I think is right, but he's not with me on that and I know I can't force him to be. But it's hard.... how can I feel this way so strongly and be alone? After everything we've been through together....
Am I not pretty enough? Am I not smart enough? Is my life not together enough? Are you turned off by my depression, how hard it is to enjoy my hobbies and make myself do the things I truly want to do? And maybe my depression exacerbates all of these issues.... it's probably making it harder to cope with this situation, too. I just want to be able to do something about it, I want to know what I should do... but I don't, and no one does. No matter how many times I talk about it, no matter who I ask, no one is going to know. Why is it so hard for me to accept that? Any of this? Why does it hurt so badly every time? Why can't I just be satisfied with this much?
I had a great weekend, so that should be good enough. Friday was really amazing. For the first time since what happened I truly felt like I could connect with him and act naturally again... it was so much fun to be able to play games all together. I was glowing. Even after Britt and Aaron went to bed, we were still able to spend time together and play Celeste, which I genuinely enjoyed doing. There might have been nothing romantic about it, but just being able to be around him, and interact with him on a personal level made me so happy. I missed him so much, and I missed that chemistry between us. I know I should be glad that I have this much and not lust for more than I'm allowed to have.... it just seems so natural to do, the desire to touch him in small, intimate ways. On Saturday.... it seemed like there was a bit of a shift. I couldn't find it again in the same way. I don't really know what happened... and that confusion hurts. One moment I can sense it... and then the next it's gone. I can't figure out if he really cares about me or not. If he's deliberately avoiding acting too friendly with me because he doesn't want to give me the wrong idea. I wish I could see into his head and know what his real thoughts and feelings are, because what he shows on the surface doesn't seem... true. But maybe that's just what I want to believe. It's what Britt and Aaron believe too, but... none of us can speak for someone else, we can only make guesses. Very uncertain guesses.
Saturday night I was too tired, I couldn't make a suggestion to do anything together. As soon as he went to bed, I regretted not doing so. I wanted to call him back, but I felt like it wasn't a good idea... I knew I had to let it go. But when I'm lying in my bed upstairs, knowing that we're separated by just two floors... it feels so wrong. I want to be there with him.
When he left, he didn't even look back. As usual. He never looks at me. Why is that? Why...?
I miss you already.... I'm too greedy. I need more control. What am I supposed to do? I need to distract myself. I need to stop doing this every time. I'm happy I have this much.... I really am. I won't jeopardize this again.
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These are the records of certain occurrences and musings in my life. It is probably not of much importance to you, unless you enjoy being a sleuth or have some vague interest in listening to me prattle about my flavour-of-the-month.