Everytime I look at him, my heart aches so badly. I want him to look at me the way I look at him so desperately. I visualize cuddling up close to him the way I used to, when he'd wrap his arms around me and smile fondly, when he'd laugh affectionately at the silly things I'd do, when he was happy that I'd give him attention.
When I look at him... I'm back in 2012, when we were together, and I struggle to comprehend the lapse of time. Knowing that I can't go back. Wondering how I ever gave him up, how I could have ever been so fed up with him that it overpowered how much I love him.
It hurts so bad. Knowing I don't mean the same to him that he does to me. That when I did, I couldn't even appreciate it. If God exists... can he see how much I'm struggling? Can he see how much this means to me? What do I need to do? Please give me the answer... If this is about redemption, or learning a lesson about valuing someone, or being paid back in suffering, whatever this is.... I've had enough. How much longer does my heart need to break before something gives? How much more of this can I take? What do I deserve? I know I'm not owed anything by this world... but please... just give me something. I can't move from this spot, I won't go anywhere, I can't. I don't want anyone else in this whole world, there is no one else...
I have to keep my smile on. I have to keep smiling even if my memories play on loop in my head. I have to keep focused even I'm thinking about how much I want to kiss him. I have to keep living each day and hoping that these feelings will mean something someday. And if they don't... if they never.... I have to have the strength to be what he needs me to be, not what I want. I can't do anything else... I love him, so I can't burden him with any of this. I don't want to burden anyone anymore. There has to be a happy ending to all of this...... one way or the other, right? Just please don't fall in love with anyone else... anything but that.... oh god, that's so selfish, isn't it? I'm so afraid.... how could I handle that? What would I do?
I'm too much, aren't I? Why am I like this...
Why does it feel like we should be together, when that's not what you want?
Why can't I help myself?
Why can't I find the answers?
Why do I lose my goddamn mind about you?
Can't I just be more patient?
I need to relax.... and remind myself there'll be another day. Everything will be ok. Have faith in tomorrow. You're still here, so.... it isn't over. You're still here, even if I'm only a friend
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