I'm 22 years old... I have live one year longer than I thought i would. From early on I always told myself that I wouldn't see 21 and... Guess I surprised myself. As the days go on and on I keep getting more and more tiered. Tired of the facade of happiness i wear, Tired of having a heart. Tired of loving someone that i know will never love me the way i do them. Tired of fighting to see another day when tomorrow is only going to be worse than today. Tired of waking up and tired of going to bed. I care so deeply for a small handful of people and yet... I feel so terribly alone.
Precious keeps me at a distance that only seems to grow larger with every time we speak. Little Red only talks to me when i have a use or she wants something. Booboo... Shes selective when talking to me.. has to hide the fact we so much as talk. And everyone else? Well I am only worth speaking to if I can be useful, else no one sees a need to bother with me.. And I.. just feel so terribly alone..
I wish I wasnt so paranoid that if i reach out and try and talk to others that i'd be a horrible bother and that they would hate me for going to them. I wish I wasn't the way i am and I wish i wasnt such an embarrassment to everyone i know. I don't blame anyone for keeping me at a distance, I wouldnt want people to know they know me either. I'm sick and im sad and im a shitty person to interact with. So I can see why people keep away. I wish I knew how to be useful to everyone so that they would find a need to interact with me, I wish i had a purpose to people so i wasnt just shoved in the background until needed.. I wish i wasnt so forgettable.
So.. The reason i'm writing this? ... I guess its a call for help? I'm in a really really dark place and I don't know if I'll make it out this time. Should I fall deeper into the abyss i'm slipping into I didnt want to just vanish and leave everyone thinking im the a*****e who abandoned them.. No I dont want anyone to think that... I want you to know if I just stop being around eventually that it's because I fell of the thin rope i walk on and that i'm probably gone.
I want to thank everyone whos been in my life, you have all made my short time here worth while. I struggled and suffered a lot but those who I called friends and to you who captured my heart by accident... You made my life so so very precious.. It was short and hard and I have made a thousand mistakes but for a short while you guys made it a little brighter. All of you are wonderful and amazing and I am so happy i got to meet you and know you and become your friend. I'll cherish our memories until my final breath and that sliver of glimmering hope you gave me for the time i could hold on will be what i think of as I give up..
Life is hard.Its unforgiving and brutal. The hand of cards Lady fate dealt me are all 2's when I needed aces. Occasionally i got to glimpse at kings and queens but all in all I had the losing hand... So.. I might not do anything tonight, or tomorrow, or even a week or month from now. But should I just vanish and never come back... Know that I lost a 22 year long fight with myself... And I am so sorry I couldn't stand back up on my feet...
That's all i got...
· Thu Jan 25, 2018 @ 11:51pm · 1 Comments