Tonight will mark one whole week since it happened. It hasn't felt like a week... but the days are blurring together. To me, it's like it only happened yesterday, but the passing of time has also been slow and agonizing. I finally told him everything... but I don't know if it mattered. He listened attentively, he didn't act heartless, but I don't know if even a single word resonated with him. How can I say when he's so closed off and afraid to express himself even in the best of circumstances? He insists he spoke the truth, that what happened between us that night meant nothing, but why does every instinct inside of me scream that's not true? I don't know if I'm living in denial and don't want to face up to the fact that maybe, after all, it really meant that little to him. That no matter how much he loved me before, or how much I love him even now, all of those feelings have dried up and turned into dust over the years. That whatever he once saw in me, whatever once made him want to try, that made him want to kiss me and be at my side... all of it is gone. Can it really be true? Can someone truly detach themselves from such a bond that once was so utterly? When that night, I still felt the ghost of what we once were five years ago in that moment? I might be deceiving myself, or he might be deceiving his own self.... I have no way of knowing. Everything will only be clear in time, but waiting for time to pass without knowing what the future holds is bleak. I'm afraid that I'll keep on burning alive every time he turns his back on me, that there's no reprieve for me. I can choose to suffer with him in my life, or I can suffer without him until the pain ebbs to dullness and I can pack all of this in a dark box along with the other heartbreaks and disappointments in my life. Or... I can hope that beyond all chance, he changes his mind, he feels something. Just like I did over all this time, when I was so certain when I left him that I'd never want to be with him again.... but that's me. Could he really go through a similar change? After giving him everything, if that's not enough.... that what could be? I have to try to be patient. I have to try to hold on, that's what my heart is telling me. Give him the time to understand. Give him the time to come around. But what if he never does...? I'm afraid. I'm afraid but I can't give up.
If I have one single regret about that night.... it's that I was so selfish. I believe now that I shouldn't have tried to express myself the way I did. When he was opening up to me, I should have shown him how much I wanted to support him. I want to be a pillar of strength, someone he can confide in... instead, I might have pushed him further away. If I had done that instead... would we have come out of this feeling closer instead of broken? I can't change what's happened now, but..... maybe if I can express that to him... at the very least, I can be someone important in his life. Someone who can help him, not make his life more complicated. I feel like I'm always stepping forwards, trying to stumble my way to some far-off destination... I was halted here, and I'm still not sure what direction to take, but no matter what I'm certain this isn't the end. I don't know what's going to happen next..... I might only find more suffering ahead, but I can't give up on him. Everything is telling me this is right. I just wish I could stop falling apart along the way. I need to be stronger, no matter how much my heart hurts, I have to keep going on and I can't let it impact every aspect of my life. No one is going to be able to say the magic words to remove my heartbreak, and no one can provide me the answer on how to make it through this or make a difference. Time is the only factor. Time will show me everything.
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