So New Years has come and gone, and here we are.
Aside from my usual New Years surveys, I haven't updated you on the last few months of 2017, so I guess I'll quickly recap the year as a whole.
So the early months of 2017 were mostly uneventful, as much as I can remember. And then, we went on our big trip overseas.
The trip was long, and tiring, and at times Dad drove me a little nuts, but I am honestly so grateful he took us. It was great to go to so many amazing places, see so many amazing things.
Then we came back, to Winter in Wellington, which was okay, except my annual leave was now down to minus figures due to the long trip so it was hard, going through the drudgery of work, knowing I wouldn't be able to take a proper break for a very long time.
Then, as the frustration built up of still being unable to get pregnant, I found myself researching more, reading stuff up and realised my weight may be a factor. So I joined the gym near my house, committed 110% to workouts almost every day, and a 12-week healthy eating program, with weekly weigh-ins and everything, and sure enough, I lost a whole bunch of weight.
Then the 12-week program ended just a few days before my birthday, so I figured I'd take like maybe a week off or so, and treat myself.
But then I discovered I was pregnant shortly after my birthday, and I got too scared of doing workouts at the gym in case I strained anything I shouldn't.
Then I had the miscarriage and it was suddenly very hard to feel motivated about anything at all.
Then, the temperatures rose, the weather got nice, and it was getting closer to Summer. So rather than forcing myself to commit to the gym again, I started taking a lot of long walks along the beach near my place.
It was a great idea, until this one Saturday night in November. It was still light, but it was getting late-ish, maybe 8pm or so. I went on the bush walk near the beach, that goes from Mana Esplanade to Grays Road. As I was walking past the boatsheds, along this narrow path in amongst a hillside covered in bush, I smelled something that smelled really strong, and really awful.
It smelled like some kind of poison, a herbicide or something. It seemed to be coming from the bushes. I kept walking though, and got out into the more open part of the walk. I could still smell something amongst the bush there, but it was less strong.
I continued the walk, and then on the way back, I found myself feeling...odd. Not nauseous in the sense of actually feeling like I would vomit. More like, mentally nauseous? Weird images started popping into my mind, of things that really grossed me out, but it was wasn't just like I was thinking about these things. It was like, they suddenly projected themselves into my mind so forcefully and I felt like I was hallucinating stuff.
It freaked me out a little, so I walked faster, trying to get home. I started to feel a little light-headed, and developed a strong headache.
I got home, and when Taina saw me, he could immediately smell the herbicide stuff on me. I could smell it on myself too.
I was feeling nauseous, and headachy, and weak, and just generally horrible. So Taina suggested I have a shower and get changed, try to get rid of the stuff I was smelling. So I did.
After the shower, I didn't feel better. In fact, I tried to pull out my phone and google about the effects of inhaling herbicides and found I couldn't read the results properly, because I kept hallucinating I was seeing weird other stuff on the screen that wasn't even there.
So I decided I needed medical attention.
Taina googled an after hours medical place nearby, and I drove myself there, with Taina in the car too. Driving there was so hard, I kept drifting off to sleep the whole way.
We checked in, explained to the lady at reception what had happened, then she got us to sit and wait, and I immediately fell asleep. How long we had to wait to be seen I don't know. A while I think, maybe an hour or two, but it didn't seem long, because I slept through the whole thing.
The doctor checked some stuff, but she couldn't tell for sure whether I had been poisoned or not. But she kept me there for several hours, most of which I slept through, although I did get up and vomit at one stage.
Eventually she said I should go to Wellington Hospital and get checked there, just to be safe, and she wrote me a referral letter. However, she didn't call an ambulance, telling me it would take ages to get one, and it would be easier for me to drive.
So as we left, Taina convinced me to drive home first, so he could grab some overnight stuff. But it was a real struggle for me to stay awake long enough to even drive home, so once we got there, we just went inside and went to bed.
I woke up early the next morning, and immediately was shivery and started vomiting. My headache was excruciating and it was unbearable to be lying down.
So I knew I had better go to the hospital after all. Taina got up, and I drove in, initially feeling a little less sleepy than I had the previous night, but soon finding myself drifting off while driving, and it was only Taina talking and constantly waking me up every few seconds that enabled me to drive there safely.
There was more waiting in the waiting area at the emergency department at Wellington Hospital. Once again, I slept through most of it.
Then there was talking to the doctor, trying to get tests done and take medications, and then falling asleep as soon as we left to wait.
After a few hours, nothing had changed. I felt no better, but I hadn't gotten any worse. Results of tests were still inconclusive, and they decided to discharge me. I was okay with it by then, I still felt pretty bad, but marginally better than I had felt earlier so I wasn't worried that anything really bad would happen. I figured I would be better once I had slept it off for a while longer.
So I drove us home again, once more with a bit of difficulty, and then got home, and more or less slept through the next day and a half.
But once it was finally over, I felt absolutely fine again.
So that was a weird and scary incident.
Unfortunately it put me off my walks for a while, so the exercising fell by the wayside, and Christmas began to approach, so my eating habits took a turn for the worse also.
So now Christmas and New Years has been and gone, and I am now starting the new year afresh, trying to go for daily walks again and get back into healthy eating habits once more, with the hopes that if I can live as healthily as possible and lose some more weight, just maybe it will make this whole baby-making thing actually happen for me.
Christmas was nice, reasonably similar to my usual Christmases, but Jill joined us for the whole day.
New Years me and Taina went to Jess and Luke's house. I actually got drunk, a concept a bit foreign to me these days, because since trying to get pregnant I've barely touched alcohol this last year or two.
But I enjoyed a few Bundaberg Pineapple and Coconut drinks mixed with Rum, and we played drunken Monopoly, and listened to 90s songs on YouTube. Then we pulled out Cards Against Humanity just before midnight.
After midnight, we started watching the Big Fat Quiz of the Year on YouTube, but halfway in me and Jess were crashing, as we started sobering up and getting tired. So we all went to bed shortly after 1.30am.
Me and Taina stayed over at Jess and Luke's place.
Getting to sleep was very hard. Despite feeling tired, the alcohol seemed to have the effect of causing me to get crazy intense palpitations, my heart rate went insane. It scared me a bit.
It would calm down for a minute, and then I'd drift off to sleep...and then suddenly my heart was racing again and I was wide awake.
This continued for hours, until finally Taina got me a glass of water at about 3.30am, and then soon after, the palpitations calmed down just slightly, enough for me to fall properly asleep.
We slept through until around 9.30am ish. Then we all got up and chilled out outside on Jess and Luke's deck, in the sunshine. We then got breakfast at Peppermill cafe- for the first time ever I wasn't disappointed by them either. Every other time me and Taina have been to Peppermill, they have always messed our order up in some way.
We watched the rest of Big Fat Quiz back at Jess and Luke's place, then we went home in the afternoon, and I enjoyed the heat and sunshine with a long walk.
Then of course, the 2nd of January came and it was back to work. Today came, and I was at work, and I was on my lunch break when I got a call on my cellphone from Dad.
"I have some news. Me and Jill have been talking, and we have decided to get married."
Er, wait, hang on, WHAT??
You and Jill have been going out, like, a few months. I got introduced to her back in like, September? Around about then, anyway. I've only just started to get used to calling her 'Dad's girlfriend' or 'Dad's partner', only just starting to get used to seeing her hanging out with you in my childhood home where you and Mum used to live together until just three and a half years ago when Mum died...but you're already deciding to get married?!?!
He then said, "There's no particular rush or anything, so we're thinking we'll get married around maybe August". Hang on, wait. August? That's your idea of not rushing, deciding to get married in just over six months time?
Okay, it's not that I'm against the idea, I'm really not. Dad has seemed genuinely happy since he and Jill got together, he really has. And I like Jill, she's a nice lady.
But it's a big step, and it's a lot to take in, so soon after trying to process the idea of someone else coming in to our lives after Mum's passing.
I like the idea of Dad doing something that makes him happy. Hey look, part of me is a little excited about the idea of going to their wedding too.
But there are some aspects of this I'm not ready for. For starters, Dad said he is considering moving into a new place with just him and Jill. I get it, his house is drenched full of memories of Mum, and he wants to start afresh. The idea of Jill living with him in Mum's old home weirds me out, so moving is probably best. But I don't want him to sell my childhood home. Even him renting it out to other people, while a better option, isn't ideal.
It will be ten years this February since I moved out of home and went flatting for the first time. But on some level, that Elm Street house never actually stopped being home. When I go there, I still feel a little bit like I am going home. It's a hard thing to accept that may have to change.
The other thing I'm not ready for, is that Dad marrying Jill means technically, she becomes my stepmother.
Not accepting that. He can get married sure, he can have an awesome wedding, and I will love it, and support it completely. But I don't accept having a stepmum. I accept her being Dad's wife, but not being my stepmum.
My Mum is the only Mum I can ever have. She's the only one who ever got to play the mother role in my life. I didn't always appreciate her when she was still here, but I love her. So much of who I am comes from her. I become more and more aware every year of just how much I am actually like my Mum, even though as a kid/teenager/young adult I was so determined to believe I was my Dad's daughter through and through.
I inherited my great planning and organisational skills from her. My great spelling and language skills. My sweet tooth and terribly slow metabolism, they came from her, much as I wish I hadn't inherited those particular traits. My stress and anxiety, my ability to worry about everything and anything...yeah, that all came from Mum. My love of board games and video games.
But you know what, 2018 will be exciting. I am looking forward to this wedding, I can feel Dad's excitement, and I am excited for him.
Dad is supposed to be getting a knee replacement in around March this year too. And my life will be exciting this year too.
I can't wait to go to Auckland in February, because my favourite band Bleachers is playing as the opening act for the Paramore concert, so I got tickets for me and Taina to go to that.
Hopefully some other great things will happen. I will just have to wait and see.
· Wed Jan 03, 2018 @ 09:51am · 0 Comments