I'm trying to go on like everything is normal, but the truth is it hurts every day. Not a minute goes by when I don't think about him and everything that's happened. The look he gave me when I asked him to stay. The way he blew me off without a second thought. It's already been half a year and every day has been an exercise in distraction, trying to satisfy myself with conversations to try to rationalize things, taking comfort in the words of others. But it's all a temporary refuge, including my affection for Jacques, which while being genuine I realize is a guilty pleasure and my main form of comfort. It's wrong but I keep taking advantage of his proximity time and time again to take the edge off my feelings of bleakness. My best friend (and her husband) have been pivotal in keeping me from going insane... it's not quite as bad as the summer was, but with every fresh disappointment the cut feels a little deeper. I start to wonder if I really have any hope to speak of, if my words and actions are never going to have impact, even if I act completely normal he still feels no desire to be around me or interact with me. I just don't matter. Worse is knowing this but also knowing that the love I have for him is one that I can't and have not been able to find in any other, and that no matter how hard I try to start a new life he returns to my thoughts time and time again. That the moment I even think about it, let alone speak about it, the memories and emotions become a deluge that overwhelms me. I took too many years to realize it and understand it... and even then it took a dream to forcibly make me see the truth. Would things have been different if I hadn't taken so long? Or did he rightfully resent me and his resentment merely cooled off into apathy?
I know that I deserve everything I'm getting. That I've made bad decisions, and acted selfishly. I was so horrible to him... not just him, I've acted callously in many situations. Am I receiving my just desserts for everything I've done? I don't want to think I'm a bad person.... but I know I've hurt others and I convinced myself I was doing the right thing. I know I hurt him, too. I know I acted inappropriately and I'm so sorry... I want to tell him about all of it, but I can't get close enough to open up to him. I'm too afraid none of it will matter anymore, if it ever did. Maybe his life is better off without me now, so why would he want me back? I wish I felt the same way. My frustrations at the time interfered with my feelings for him, and overshadowed all the good that was present in our relationship... I didn't get it until I realized that my tendency to idealize caused a rift between what I thought I wanted, and the reality. Such small things that built up and became a storm... it all seems so petty now. Rectifying them never brought me happiness. The connection between two people cannot be forged or built on superficial traits. I undervalued it... just like I undervalued him. And now it's too late. I can try to take back everything I said and did, but he has no reason to want to forgive me, nor can he forget about it all. Maybe there's just not a damn shred of attraction left for me. I'll cry until I'm sick but my private suffering doesn't change a damn thing.
Still I can't do much else. I'm just waiting and praying that god, it all ends soon, one way or another. Either by understanding..... or numbness.
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