Another journal entry from me again!

These last two weeks have been so rough mentally. I'm in a position where I don't feel comfortable and I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life. I'm studying to be an elementary teacher when that's not really what I want to do with my life...but I'm unable to do anything else at the moment because of other limitations which I don't want to discuss ATM.

But, anyways I'm a student teacher currently working in a 5/6 Grade classroom (ESL) and its been a challenge. The students are not all bad, they are funny some days, rude other days, and completely don't listen to you the next day. Its hard to gauge.

The teachers are the worst part. Mostly because I cannot seem to connect with them. Its strange. They just seem so distant and so closed off. I don't know much about them and they don't care to know much about me. Its hard to teach infront of teachers like that. I really really dread going to school every morning and avoid the teachers lounge like the plague for this very reason. I know for sure this is not the school I want to teach in for sure. This has made me realize how much I don't want to teach! I know its awful for me to admit but I just have to say it.

I taught a gym lesson today which was a complete and utter disaster. You would think its gym so it must be easy... WRONG. I could of explained the instruction clearly so there was no confusion but I didn't because I was nervous. So the kids ended up being confused and then they started goofing off and thats where I lost them. They stopped listening to me. There were three other teachers watching me try to regain control of this classroom probably thinking to themselves wow she has NO idea what shes doing. Which to be fair, I really don't.

There's also another practicum student there which everyone seems to LOVE and its annoying because I feel like i'm being constantly compared to her because shes so perfect and well I'm the opposite...It's just the constant feeling of not measuring up and wishing I was different just so they would like me, just so I would be better at my job.

Theres another 4 weeks of this and then next semester i'm in the same school for 8 weeks. So its just a nightmare.

Oh, how I just want to have this nightmare end. Waking up at 630 AM every morning and getting home at 5 PM every day unpaid like its an awful experience.

save me.

crying gonk