I love my friends. They're kind and funny.

But often I leave a gathering with a sense of being stagnant.
There's moments when I'm just by myself in a whole group of people.
I dunno if it's because most of them are married, and I'm not. Or because I left for a couple of years. And also because our lives changed somewhat.
It's no slam on my friends. We all have our own lives, and I'm not married to them so it's not like in those moments where I'm looking around, alone, that any one is at fault in any way.

The stagnant part would be I often feel I don't have much to say or add to a conversation. Maybe because people sit and talk about what they've done recently.
And I don't believe anyone really wants to hear what I've done recently.
I take care of things around the house. I drive my mom to places. I take care of the plants and garden. I cook. Sometimes I bake.
I don't have kids. I don't have a husband. I love hearing about yours - and I actually can relate to you because I have nieces and nephews and I've spent a lot of time around kids (was an elementary teacher, hello).

I don't have anything "new" to talk about.
I don't watch much American TV (actually, half of my friends don't either. lol). But I also haven't read a book all the way through in a year. (my neck prevents me from reading for long periods of time. 10-15 minutes at a time. and i lose patience, because i hate to put the book down) My friends are all avid readers, so... I lose out there.

I also had a slightly awkward time in that, at my friend's birthday party tonight, an old friend was there with his wife.
He and I were pretty good friends, so I thought. But I guess, uh, er, maybe we had a "some" or something. We were friends, and then we weren't. And we talked less and now none. And like... not even happy birthday on facebook. Or maybe just that, barely.
I still like the guy. He's a good friend. Maybe he wanted more than that? I don't know. (all i do know is i made it clear to him i wasn't ready for that)
Now he's married. I'm very happy for him because that's what he really wanted.
But since I've been back, I just sense a wall there. So. Hm. Yeah.
(oh yeah, so like. years ago i used to be invited to my friend's husband's birthday bash. like. him and his 2 friends, one of whom is the guy mentioned above. i think i went once or twice. and then, the invite stopped coming to me. i guess because, yeah. i'm not "it". it's them and their wives now.)

i wanted to say hi and ask the usual questions, but i also didn't know if i should. like. i don't even know. i'm not sure where things went "bad".

on the flip side, i got a lot of hugs from my friends. and that was nice.
it was pretty chilly today. i poked kuma with my cold fingers. (i've always been infamous for cold hands)

kind of awkward moment... where erika starts talk to me. she's cool. i've known her since 2008 i think. i've always liked her. she did dag. anyway. i asked if she still did dag stuff (which, i'd be lying if i said i didn't know - as i saw her in photos at a dag camp out... and noticed my nemesis was in those photos).
anyway. so she brings up lauren. that she hangs out with her at those camp outs.
i say i don't know. i don't really talk to her anymore.
she's going to get married soon, erika says.
i don't really know, i say. i haven't really met him. she never introduced me to him.
i've seen him twice, last year, but she never really told me his name. (all true btw)
what's his name? i forget. mike might know, he's her cousin. mike what's lauren's boyfriend er i guess fiance's name?
why are we on this topic? i think mike said.
i didn't know it was a 'topic'. says erika.

i think i made her feel awkward. i was trying not to be awkward.
but like... i dunno.

all i can say is - even mike knows that lauren is... not quite right.
and mike usually gives people the benefit of the doubt, isn't quick to assume something about someone, and is fiercely loyal to friends (and as family, he'd be loyal to her... except she's demonstrated repeatedly her disloyalty, so. yeah. )


anyway. yeah.

sometimes i feel like i ought to practice conversations. just. to be ready and not make them awkward.

someone brings up lauren, i should just smile and nod. oh, is that so? haven't heard from her. i hope she's well. and end it.