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maybe it isnt a relationship i want, but to feel seen, like someone actually understands me and wants me around because i am me. im always not me around people and they always like that. as soon as i test the waters as me they get jumpy and leave. the only person that saw me for who i was ran when i hit hardest times, fell out of love with me when they realized that im just a lonely, scared, sad guy trying to get past my own self hate and is not only so scared of failure but petrified of actually succeeding. hek i use the success of others to talk myself out of even trying to get anywhere myself.

this program im in is really helping me be even more self aware and know when i have to talk to myself out of "you cant", and into, "you can, you deserve, you are worth trying.". it is not easy for me, i am always filled with such strong self hate that it blinds me, it feels like the biggest weight i have, like every step i make in the right direction is to hard to even take the steps. loving another is easy for me, its because in another human i see potential, hope, life, joy, sadness, strength, and just a never ending sea of amazement at the very existence of the individuals i fall for even when they dont see it them self. i see past there own protective walls, there own baggage, the facade they seem to put up. seeing them for what i see them as even when they dont see it. i wont lie i have seen terrible people when i see threw things, i avoid them, ive seen so many of them that i know what to look for and i know that even the worst people deserve a good person to look back. im not great, but i want to be as understanding as what i want in my life, even thou its lonely till then.

my life aint hard, im not saying it is, i just wish i wasnt so hard on myself for all the things i do in it. or dont do.

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