You know when you see your ex's new girlfriend. I think that's kind of a universal emotion, in various tints and shades.
She's nowhere as cute as me and nowhere as accomplished. I guess he appreciates her smileyness and her innocent desire to please.
Half a year ago, I would have resented the things she has that I never got. Curated couple photos carefully edited by a photographer friend.
Then also, I am worried he does not really love her, and is just using her to fill some void. But then again, maybe he does. He's always appreciated these kinds of girls, most of them you know are not like me at all, they overshare their basic thoughts and feelings on Facebook text posts. I type mine anonymously on gaiaonline, thank you very much.
And maybe this is the kind of pain that we all have to endure. They tell you not to look too long, but I do. I see the ring on his thumb that I've taken off and played with and the way he is tall enough to kiss her on the forehead, which is how he kissed me when he told me in February that it would be best to go our separate ways, and I think also, apathetically
how it was such a near-miss kind of thing, how if I had been willing to take that risk back in July and go back with him, I would has skipped out on two months of misery right afterwards...but how many months of misery later on? Who can say?
It wasn't an easy decision to make and I do not blame myself. I wish I could do it differently, but then again he's immature. When we disagree, it's difficult to talk to him; more often than not, he just refuses to talk. The way he can shed the past so rapidly has always frightened me. I wanted him to promise me something, a little more, but he did not. I wish I had told him what I wanted clearly, but we learn from our mistakes.
In a way, Sean is right. We go on because we must. It's not a kind thing to erase and forget, but our suffering does nothing for anyone, sadly. As much as I would like to love him forever, apologize, try again and again, what can I do? If he's moved on, I have no right to intervene.
I will keep to myself and inch so painfully slowly to the future.
These days often I feel like screaming, and there's no one to go to to heal me. They have given me good advice, but it's not advice I want, I just want someone to tell me it will be alright. Every day, for someone to hug me and say it will be okay, but people want to be happy. They have their own lives and from the outside, a heartbreak looks so trivial. Maybe I will be stronger and get over this quicker if I take care of it alone. I don't know.
I loved him dearly. I hope for something better, I know it will happen, it's just the waiting.