Sept 20th, 2017
I am severely depressed.
For the first time I can remember my depression was so bad last night that I couldn't sleep. Usually when it's bad I can do nothing but, but last night was different. It was worse. I felt hollow, like I'd had all my insides scooped out of my body and my chest hurt. Maybe not hurt, that implies some kind of pain but there was an ache in the hollow centre where I knew my heart should be but felt like it was missing.
Another weird part of it is that I had a hard time crying. In so many cases I've been able to feel better if I could just cry but last night was the one exception I've experienced. I cried, but I couldn't cry long enough to feel any sort of relief. It kind of felt like this intense display of emotion was so completely pointless that my body was refusing. I felt sick but not nauseous. I was trembling but I was steady. It was a weird amalgamations of contradictions that I've never felt before. Has anyone else ever experienced something like this?
I want to add that, while it's significantly less noticeable, my chest still aches and I still feel empty. I'm scared because I don't know how long this will last and I can't continue to exist like this. It's affecting my work, my attitude, I find no joy in anything anymore. I'm not living but I'm alive, if you can call it that. I'm just existing. I don't want to feel like this again. It took years the last time my depression was this bad to pull myself out of what felt like a bottomless drop. I don't know if I can do it again...