i am terrified.

i know, of course, that i am ultimately making the right decision and that this has been a long time coming, but i am terrified. sick to my stomach, head spinning, arms shaking. the whole anxiety package. but that's the problem, isn't it? how could i have let myself get to the point where so much as thinking about openly discussing my problems makes me sick?

but i do know, and maybe that's the worst part. i am fully aware of how i let myself get here, who contributed and how much, all of it.

i've been destroying myself for years. insisting i'm fine when i know i'm not, refusing to back down. making myself as small as possible so that everyone else can feel a little bigger. kept everything that ever mattered as close as possible, unwilling to let others see. i hid and slowly picked away at myself until there was no other option but to come crashing down.

one question haunts and hurts too much, too much to mention: was i really seeking good, or just seeking attention?

can it be both?

i did not want to cause the havoc i did, and i certainly did not wish to hurt the people closest to me. but, i did. want the attention. i wanted to feel wanted. i wanted to feel like someone needed me, and maybe i deserved the trauma that happened as a result. and i wanted to give everyone a good ending. to make everyone happy. and, i guess, in the end, the wont for attention won over the desire to make everyone happy. not intentionally. i suppose if i thought enough about it, i might be able to pinpoint when it started to change, but i'm not sure i should.

i think what i'm trying to do here is to...prepare myself. for tomorrow. for the scary thing i must face. because i know i will have to go to the beginning, i know that i will have to lay everything out. all the pieces, yours and mine. but writing has always been a bit easier for me, so maybe if i write it out here, it won't make me so sick tomorrow.

my name is nell. i am 22 years old, and i live in ohio. i spent the better portion of my childhood and early teenage years wishing to be back where i was born in new york, fighting for the friendship of people that eventually meant nothing. i didn't grow up very wealthy, nor very poor, though i was frequently under the assumption that we were much more poor than we actually were. i argued with my parents and my sisters at every turn, rebelled simply for the sake of rebellion and refused to back down because i am very much a product of my parents. i am stubborn, impatient. life has never moved quite fast enough for my liking, at least not when i was a teenager. i hurt everyone i loved most in high school through a series of poor decisions and worse moods. sometimes i am too loud, sometimes i ramble. i am nervous entering buildings and anxious seeing my friends. i hold onto things too tightly for too long, and i have no concept how to let go.

but i am kind, i think. i stay up late to talk to friends when they are unhappy. i cry when i see animals dead on the road. i am the only reason we live in the house we currently do, that my younger sister was able to transfer to her university. i know how to make my friends laugh without fault. i know how to cheer them up when needed and when to leave them be. i am an ear to vent to, a friend to confide in. i have learned from my mistakes, i have grown. and perhaps i am not as far as i feel i should be, but i have not given up. i have learned to welcome the support of my friends, to be more open when i am upset. i am everything i have learned and more.

and i think i know what it is, i think i know what has been bothering me so extensively these last few days.

i want them to know. i want them to see me, better. grown. i still miss seven years ago, and i think i always will. i miss the friendships i thought would last forever, but i've finally come to realize that the only thing that lasts forever is death. and to sit here and mourn a group of people that eventually tossed me aside, albeit with good reason, is making nothing better. i am better, but i can be better still.

all it will take is a little bit of help. help i intend to get.