Sept 18th, 2017
I couldn't go in to work today.
Aside from the obvious things that keep me home (today, it was a migraine) there are underlying reasons for why. My migraine is directly related to a stress dream I had last night caused by my grandmother being in the hospital. When she comes out it's expected (by her and no one else) that I will be at her beck and call and take care of her every moment I'm not at work. I can't. I can't and I won't but she refuses to get that through her head.
Something else though is that my job is making my anxiety so much worse. If you call a call centre asking for help/information/literally anything, remember that the person answering the phone is just that: a person. They have thoughts, feelings, hopes, and dreams. They have friends and family, people who love and care about them and who they love and care for. They're someone's child, friend, maybe significant other, maybe parent. But if you need to remember all those things to make sure you treat them with basic human dignity, you're a terrible person. The fact the the person answering your call is a human being should be enough. I'm exhausted of people thinking that I possess some kind of magic wand that I can wave to give them whatever they want. I'm tired of people thinking that if they say just the right thing to guilt me, or hit just the right nerve, use just the right slur, that I'll give them what they want. That's not how it works. And by the way, telling someone to lick your a** will do nothing to make your credit card company stop sending you statements for the money you owe. I have been cussed out, had my job and safety threatened, been threatened with legal action, been told do to every vile act you can imagine and a few I'm sure you can't. I've been pulled off the phones by my Team Leads and written up for refusing calls that I'm not supposed to take (it's not my department), I've trudged to work in the middle of a panic attack because I don't have any sick days left. I've made myself sit through call after call where I've been verbally abused because I have student loans to pay back and the only thing anyone has to say about it "you have your bilingual premium. Deal with it."
I sold my mental health for an extra 2 dollars an hour. My mental health is apparently worth 15.50 an hour. According to my superiors, 15.50 is a reasonable amount when you are threatened for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. It's enough to deal with people screaming at you over things you can't control and giving you headaches that gradually turn into stress migraines. It's enough because even though you're disgustingly understaffed you're getting paid 2 dollars more an hour for speaking French. It's enough because they say it's enough. It's enough because they don't have to deal with it, they're not on the phones.
Today, I'm not going in to work. The very thought of it makes me physically sick, my stomach churn, and my eyes ache. Today I'm not going in to work out of protest. Today, I'm taking care of my mind and mental well being.