I remember I did wrote this but not remember where do i put these & finally found it on these diary...
I wrote these long time ago. and I think some point below may still apply on myself.

1. "if magic not exist in this world, let's work to create a magic!"
2. "these world never fair, but people watch me there."
3. "these world is stage only for strong survival."
4. "there's no time to waste, keep this curiosity open up for new wisdom"
5. "it's better never know what happen and let it be."
6. "if you believe me & trust me, please never unsure about me."

7. i know some people not value these, or always unsure about me for this one.. but once i decide to believe you, I will never betray you. especially if you make a promise or contract to me. I never leave these stage unless you ask me to stop.

8. "I.... frankly... have greedy wish." I won't tell but always push myself to not show off what i try to get.

9. "i believe we have chance to be forgiven because without sins how could you know all shxt happen in this world." because theory is not same as what you had experience.

10. "I've always love you even you die long time ago." I know how these lonely feel after you leave me. I want to keep respect you, never forget as long as i live now, for giving me all happiness things before we never meet again.

11. continue from point no. 10 "cause these i cannot go into others, was these called curse or try to keep promise on you?"

12."could you forgive me?" I've done wrong things now & will you stay with me & hold my hand for a moment. please see my eyes right now & whisper your words to me.

13. "sorry, I never call myself perfect. but why do you have hate feeling on me?"

14. after know these all, I know I being hard on myself cause I've always try to walking alone.

15. moreover... why do human so complicated? so far this is hard for me... you always question every things, so what you want is " I should be on your side & never leave your side"?

16. no after you do not admit it & revenge me like I did wrong things. sorry, these going weird and moreover you steal my friends one by one.... would you be pleased after do all of these to me?

17. these stage, I admit my loss from you cause you took all of my friends on your side but this is not sign of my ending..

18. I did not mention I feel sad but this is stage where i need to know why everyone does this all to me.

19. I did all good things as possible as i can but things i cannot understand that time " people not mention to me to back to reality & wake up from my imagination of best friendship"

20. so why do i need to cry after you all leave me? I cry for myself for fully believe on you.

21. "but again, i treasure all of this pain alone"

22. pain just another stage for me to reveal the truth.

23. I do not need your candy.

24. can you please tell me the truth? just let myself cry for now & i will says sorry after.

25. you've got me wrong... i am not tsundere type, but yandere type.

26. all of skill i had here only to protect & fight when you are on wrong line.

27. doesn't mean you are always right, i cannot fight you there.

28. sorry i am not sweet girl after all.

29. that's why i've always fight alone.

30. although i know you behind me pray on me. i notice you there.

31. without touching other, i can still work.

32, this is what wars called. but no one knows how's the result will be.

33. keep walking on the line & create new line of chance.

34. winning is not matter but the process to keep on the same stage makes me realize, I want to keep alive for some reason.

35. protecting you need effort and I work to make sure I achieve that and could deliver this to you.

36. the concept of happiness about take & give, but pain is the fully essence as my fuel & why do i need to keep alive... no. i won't says suicide, i want to protect you & if i die now, all is over... i shouldn't die now.

37. protecting is not only when you still alive, even you die there's something i should accomplish on you. cause you ask me to have a happy life.

38. so, i ask myself to not give up although my mind & my heart always afraid to accept to grow up sooner.

39. all of this reason make me realize... I have to remember. I have to cherish small things on my life.

40. these fact make me also notice about... my ancestor before i am here. so, for the information they gave to us from all over world & make me motivate to be reader. since that i am happy enough to know one things.

41. books is good friends, do you know why?
like I write down here, do you know how much times people waste their time to seek the truth? a days? a month? a years? you are missing lot of important things but it's okay, some people would says who cares???.... let's life for now & with your dearest people.
I do not mind if people have less respect with information. wisdom giving benefit to people after all & not hurting.
the reason can be so HURT cause person who hold that wisdom for wrong purpose...

42. frankly since i like with open source information... these habit create my new character to be fall in love easily into something.

43. to seek more truth, i try to find people with high class wisdom and I call this person as wise people.

44. these destiny may took long adventure and i believe these one more rough than what i've passed before.

45. I want to believe, these long journey to find my own path will make me realize something on myself.

- this point end here -

it's too long i believe... do you know why?

everytime i realize something, i always open up my diary or note & write something there... and it's very random if you notice cause it looks super messy & super confusing. very disorganized notes!

you may not understand and it's okay.
life is about to write things down here & there...try to realize something.

it's like i try to write code or random stupid post.
actually when i wrote them, it's always i've passed something irl.

Things I relieve is... right now I can taste this stage cause I've always believe on people kindness although they never kind to me.
for example, i know they do not want to help me but let me take their work into me.
do you know why? let's believe... when someone try out something bad on you, accept first & learn. doesn't mean i am weak but try to read something not right and silently working these all.

you may not believe me but i like to see people fall because of their own trap.
let's says karma working after all.. biggrin
from this stage.. i've learn something, yes we need friends but can you anticipate when they leave you alone?
after pass all bad omen happen on me. I learn one days if i have to walk alone, i shouldn't afraid anymore..
of course I want to have friends but I have also can anticipate when i am on alone situation & try to not afraid.

this long post only tell how to get rid of weakness...
and of course I talk to myself in these post ( although everyday when i posting something it is like i talk to myself most of the times xD )