Good evening my lovely pigeons whos eyes never truly see this. It has come to my attention that I am rather unstable recently. Between my Grandfathers death and my brother going legally missing for two weeks I have been in a very weak mental state. The world has decided that those trials were not enough to test me and have decided to give me the biggest kick in the stability it could. I found out that this past weekend was family photos for my Dads side of the family. I found this out through my only decent Aunt I have left out of both sides of the family. When I asked my father about why he found it unimportant to come get me for this or.. you know even tell me about it, He informed me that I am no longer part of the family so why should he tell a little c*nt about that stuff. He informed me that the majority of the family was in agreement [excluding my aunt]. So, As of today I have found out that I have officially been disowned by my fathers side of the family. He may not have been much of a good Father but he was still my father and he has kicked me to the curb. I am at a loss for what to do. I don't know if I should keep sitting here, drinking myself stupid... Dispite hating alcohol.. Should I take the most elegant swan dive into the river? Should I just keep holding my tongue and keep existing? All I can do is continue emulating joy for those I hold dear, bit my lip and keep the tears silent and for the moment I will keep being the picture of stable and okay. I need to try to have a clear thought before I do anything. I find that actually telling people about my unease and uncertainty only results in hollow 'think about everyone else' and 'it gets better' and 'its not worth it' ... Like you even f*cking care about my well being... No. No.. I will remain until I can clearly make a choice. Till then. All I can do is smile and hide the pain. There is no reason to make others suffer with me. I suppose so long as I can make those around me happy then I will still have use to them... If i stay chipper maybe I'll still have use to him... I am surly still useful enough to have someone who wants me around? I fear should anyone else find me useless that they too will disown me.
Bah... Anyways. That is all I have to talk about today.
· Mon Aug 14, 2017 @ 05:09am · 0 Comments