Yea, welp... sucks trying to put on a strong front when I'm really emotional deep down.
Just went to visit my aunt who has cancer, heard from my mom she's at the terminal stage and they've stopped medication except painkillers. I'm still not used to people passing away even though I know it's a part of life. Yea, she's still around but seeing her look so frail and having so much difficulty breathing even as she spoke, I felt so bad for not being able to hold back my tears and continuously walking out of the ward. Especially when her close relatives are all around and all trying to remain normal. I don't know, I guess the loss of people just reminds me so much of when dad and grandma passed away and all these things that led up to depression when I was young.
I guess I kept this mask on because I don't want my family to have more things to deal with after my dad's passing and also our financial issues. But sometimes, I just want somebody to show me that I can rely on them, somebody that I can be weak in front of? To be honest, I don't know what I'm looking for. I guess I just want somebody that actually feels like family? It feels like I haven't got to spend much time at all with my family because they're all just busy trying to earn enough to pay the bills and food and things for so long that I don't even feel that close to them anymore.
Sigh, I guess looking for such closeness in somebody else and my own problems has got me into trouble with making friends but yeah... I'll get better, I always do ever since I've gotten out of my suicidal phase.
Anyway, something to be thankful about: I tried to reach out to people who are going through similar issues and hopefully that helps them. Also nice to see that there are so many other strangers who try to help out. I guess I still have to figure out on giving advise rather than trying to ramble about my own experience so that my posts can be more concise? Hm.
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