The kickback I had was so much fun! I really am thinking about it too much though. And now that everything is all cleaned up, I can't help but notice the intensity of the loneliness today. I used to love being home alone when I was kid, but maybe that was because I couldn't stand anyone that I lived with. Now, being in my apartment alone is almost too much to handle. It just reminds me of what my life is going to be like when all of my friends actually start to handle themselves responsibly and you know, reach the next milestone in their lives. I just don't see that happening for me. I mean, yeah I'll probably get a new job, maybe a car and possibly a place that's a little bigger. But it'll still just be me and the walls. It really is an eerie thought. I don't really believe in wealth without sharing it. That is probably something you'll never get from anyone else lol but honestly, having everything is meaningless without sharing it with the people you care most for. Right now, it just feels like I won't have anyone else for a long time, or maybe even forever. Dating really isn't my thing and making new friends is hard these days. I'm not afraid to acknowledge that I am desperately trying to find a way to avoid facing my fear of loneliness. Part of me wants this all to just end!! I'm not making any progress because I'm just so friggin immobilized by the feelings I get in an empty room! Most people have no idea what its really like and they're probably so fortunate, they'll never have to experience it. But I have to prepare myself and face the facts that this is just how its going to be...
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