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Dear Gaia-ry,

I've been seeing this man for a little more than a year now. We haven't officially been seeing each other and honestly I'm not sure how "seeing each other" actually fits our description, but he means something to me so that counts for something, right? Maybe...
He's a professor at my university, teaching in the same department that I'm earning my degree in. I had planned on taking lessons with him, but I had found out I was pregnant by my friend and decided to leave the university, so I never studied under him. Nearly two years later, we had been chatting one night online after he posted something on facebook and we hit it off. Things took a turn toward a passionate nature and soon we were planning a night together, alone, full of passion and satisfying each other's needs.
After this whole year, we've been together on a handful of occasions, but I finally decided to put an end to it a few months back. I knew when school started in the fall, we'd have to say good bye anyway, but at this point, there wasn't much holding us together as it was. We sat in my house and talked, realizing things were comfortably coming to an end and I finally said my good byes. He left and for 24 hours I struggled not to call him and take it all back, but I did it. 24 hours free of the man I had started to fall for. Not even moments after those 24 hours were up did I get a phone call from that same man, telling me how amazing I was for letting things end so effortlessly as I did. Basically, he was complimenting me on not being crazy and falling in love with him. He went on to say how he wanted things to stay the same for now and me being completely head over heels for the man, decided that was a great idea.
Now I'm sitting in my living room, ranting on gaia, half past drunk, wondering if keeping up this façade of romance and passion and trust and making promises to not fall in love is even worth the effort. I know I could be in love with him in the blink of an eye. He would never accept it though. Between our 19 year age difference, student-teacher-esque relationship, and the sheer fear that someone will slut shame us, he'd never return my love, let alone let me be in love with him without a lecture and fight. I'm just hearbroken that I want to end things because they are effortless and I know that nobody will love the woman I am now...
I'm a single mom who let her baby's father off the hook from the start, basically placing an "easy and open" sign on my back since. Most people think I'm just a quick lay who will spread her legs for anyone and it makes me wonder if this man thinks of it the same way... I doubt he'd ever admit it if he did, but I just don't see how we could be friends without the sex. We have such an incredible chemistry and it's hard to be near him without wanting to jump his bones, no matter the location. I just wish he could openly feel for me even a bit as I do for him.
At least now he will fall in love with someone once we are done for good. It seems that's my curse and every one else's blessing. Nearly every single guy I've been with or dated has found the love of their life directly after. Most are married happily now, if not just simply engaged with plans of a long happy life. No matter the case, they found the right person only months after our own break up. At least others will find happiness with the people they are meant to be with.
Me on the other hand? I'm cursed to just sit by and watch while the people I care for never look back. I know it sounds pathetic to cry over, but I just can't help, but want to just be cared for even just a little. It's hard to believe in love when you see it given by the people who couldn't love you in their time beside you. I have so much ahead of me, but it seems that I really have just years of helping others find their own love.
Maybe I should start a business?