I'm not even upset by it, I'm not upset by her leaving or any of it, I knew this was going to happen, and again, probably a self fulfilling prophecy, but honestly.. what was I supposed to do? Hide my feelings, even though that's what ruined my relationship?
It's a hell of a thing. Everyone thinks they can help, thinks they want to help, but when you tell them they can't and don't, they get upset, they lash out at you. It's true though.
I've had so many people tell me, "open up to me", followed by "I can't handle your s**t, stop talking" so I .. did. "Why don't you ever open up to me" because you literally told me you can't handle my s**t / when I tell you my s**t you have a ******** mental breakdown and snap and literally can't live with me.
She's lucky. She has a way to escape, and I sure as ******** wish I had that during the Harmony thing, I sure as ******** wish I could have said "well I'm just going to live with my mom, I can't live with you" and just took off, left her high and dry, but I didn't, I don't, and I won't ever have that luxury. I'm not one of the lucky ones.
It's cool, she told me earlier that she's leaving and never coming back, that there's no friendship. I told her "well duh, I told you this is how it was going to end" because I know myself, I know how I act, and I know what I've done to every person that's cared about me, I push them away whether I want to or not, because I'm an incredibly broken individual. I'm human trash; but no one ever seems to want to admit it, which frustrates me.
I have no problem admitting it. I know everything is my fault, I accept that. When I offer the true solution to the problem everyone gets upset, because suicide is bad! Except it's ok when hitler did it, because hitler was super bad!! Like.. what. Whatever.
Everyone kept telling me that our relationship was going to end poorly if we didn't move apart. Everyone kept poisoning my mind. Then the depression finally got to me, and I poisoned my mind worse than anyone ever could. I can do some serious ******** damage when I try to, you would be hilariously surprised to see what I'm capable of. I could make myself hate literally anyone, I could convince myself of the worst things about them, even if they're lies, I'm just that ******** broken.
I wish I had magic, and a way to just unmake myself. The only ways I know of involve killing yourself, which would be great if there was a guarantee it would work.. like, how would anyone know if it really did work? They'd be unmade so all research they did would've been undone as well. ******** bollocks.
I might try anyways. I have nothing left to lose, I freely gave away my last true friend, and life snatched it away greedily. Hilarious, how not too long ago I was in love with this woman and considering marrying her, and now I won't ever see her again. "Life comes at you fast".
Oh well, it sucks, it's miserable, but it is also life.
She doesn't love me, and I don't know how long ago she stopped loving me. I don't know if she ever loved me. I know she wants to hate me, so she won't feel guilty for leaving, and I think I've finally given her that, so.. all that's left is the goodbye. She'll be gone by next month.
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