I'm hoping this will help me sleep.

My most basic need in life is the ability to express myself. It is the one thing I would not live without. When I started this journal, that was its most important feature, that it would be a place where I could just vent out whatever. I could keep track of the days but also just have fun in here if I wanted to. There was no structure. Over the years I don't think it has changed much, with the exception that I have an awareness that people are indeed reading these journal entries.

I don't know why or what they do with the information/insight they get from my entries but there is that subtle editing so that other eyes or minds do not judge or react a certain way to what I want to write. I know sometimes I fear moderators are reading my stuff and checking the decency levels so I try to censor myself there a bit. I also think about how much I can write about my friends in a certain light online. Some things are different when you explain them under certain contexts.

I think about this now as well because I opened up that dark basket of roleplaying again. Some people have messaged me about reviving City at War, and I have brought this lifestyle up to Michael. It scares me. I haven't been roleplaying for a while now, I think a year. I'm also scared because talking about this with him can open doors to very sensitive subjects for me and a brutally honest vision of me through the journals. I know the hobby and collecting he wouldn't mind but... if he ever got curious about the journals I don't know how comfortable I would be. Gods... the old things I wrote. My past... so much of it is in here. I have so much of the high school me in here and the suicidal stuff that I'm scared to share.

I hate to have that honest talk with people. Y'know... the one where you discuss that you'll always be crazy and there's no changing that. There is no fix to the way I am or that I'll always battle the urge to kill myself. It's ALWAYS going to be there. It will be lessened and more battle worn from skills or lifestyle changes, but it is ALWAYS there, underneath my skin and behind my eyes. It will cling to my heart until the bitter end. It evolves with me. It is a part of me. I can control it but it will still remain there. Some people don't like to hear this. It's just being honest and I don't think it makes me any worse of a person for being that way. I know it comes off as a little needy sometimes but it's the equivalent to the problems other people face like being one of those worriers before tests/grades, having family issues, or always getting into fights with a significant other. There are certain things people frequently request help, and this is my thing. Sometimes, more than others, I feel that desire rise up within me to hurt myself and end it all.

To that point let me say, Dev is amazing at couseling people and giving me exactly what I need. She asks questions instead of making statements. She waits to hear you ask for what you need before really offering a bunch of support and there's still judgement because she's your ******** friend and will steer you clear and voice her opinions when she thinks it could help.

My brother isn't always there when I need him but he's amazing at always telling the truth and giving you the comfort of someone else talking so you don't feel alone or overwhelmed. He offers to bring you things if he can and tries to steer your mind to other future things, but this also might be because he knows me so well due to being my brother. Haha. His support is vital in that I don't feel his words would get emotionally clouded, while at the same time just trying to help someone out. I know that sounds weird, the emotional part, but sometimes you don't want your support to be all tied up in your junk. You don't want them dragged into the crazy stress or distress that you're going through. Totally valid.