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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
I don't understand how events in my life are constantly on the move and messed up. I have such an aversion to massive changes and I'm in the middle of one. I have a full-time job but can't afford an apartment to move into which is horrible. I reached my breaking point with my parents after my mom attacked me a left injuries all over my arms. I was sure, until that time, that my parents weren't actually like that anymore and that I was overreacting. It was in the beginning of my relationship with my boyfriend that I had these concerns because I just moved back into my parents' house at the time. I guess little changes. She attacked me because I didn't follow her day plan to a T. The next thing I did was get out of there and go to my boyfriend. I now have a new understanding of what he wants from me as a person and someplace to stay for a little while. The deal is determined on a daily basis so I'm not entirely comfortable but, after working today, I don't exactly feel like I'm out of luck. I was willing to stay in my car until an opportunity arose. This was internally sapping and Saturday was absolutely surreal because I don't stay up during third shift hours and nothing was determined at the time but my boyfriend let me sleep in the back of his car. My parents are pushing and pulling me in all sorts of directions on this. They know they can't do anything about this choice, would like to amend it because this looks really bad for them socially, but I can now walk out of any room that they are giving me trouble in. They have virtually no power. Today was a mess. My dad took the house key away from me and then gave it back. I gave the card for the company I quit working at to him because he wanted the money off of it and needed me to withdraw it and then he gave it back to me as a kind of bribe, I guess. My parents tried to force me and my boyfriend to come to my grandma's birthday at their house today. I have nothing against my grandma so I called and congratulated her. She, as uninformed about the dynamic between myself and my parents, said that she and the dog got excited by a car that looked like mine, that was passing through the neighborhood. I mean I imagine that hurts quite a bit. I wasn't terribly close to her because she moved here, from Ukraine, during the earlier part of this year. She is a sweet lady and has kept my parents in check for the most part because my dad wants to be on his best behavior next to his mom. My parents said things like I look like I need rest and a good wash/that I stink. For a good measure, I asked my boyfriend whether any of that was true when I got back and he said I look and smell fine. I should, after all, I got all my self-care supplies together and keep myself looking well, whether at the gym or at my boyfriend's house. I do not want my parents to come by my desk, that's for sure. I'm considering asking to work remotely because of this situation but I'm unsure about whether it will be granted because the company I work at is owned by my family and they all have family-centric opinions on keeping people together. I don't know if my situation is viewed as bad enough that they would actually help me avoid my parents. My mind feels acidic when I think about Saturday and I don't miss living with my parents. I know this is kindof a messy limb that i didn't write into the rest of this post but they threw away over 1K of gaming systems and games because they thought that was the problem with Saturday and not the injuries I took pictures of and sent to family members to explain why I am not returning home. It was difficult during the weekend because I was not ready to deal with getting to know my boyfriend's mom and everything was rushing way too fast. Honestly, I still feel relatively uncomfortable with living like this and it hurts internally that I lack the finances to care for myself when I'm in this situation. I suppose the next step is making sure all financial information is on my new credit card and see if there's a student loan option for people that are risking homelessness because they've given away their money for loans and want to escape a situation like mine. I have new resolve for my job search and I'm definitely more sure about my boyfriend being with me for an indeterminate amount of time. Definitely, someone that sees me through a situation like this, a situation I was afraid of facing alone and was even betrayed into once, loves me in a very mature way. I felt like I'd do many things for him before but now I feel like he deserves all of it and it's not just an infatuation I've got. He and his family are very different people from my parents and all of his friends perfectly understand my situation and have been supportive. I didn't even ask for it and his best friend covered my breakfast on sunday morning. I don't eat much because I literally don't ever feel hungry anymore. I feel like my face is less drawn but this was still a very nasty lick on what nearly falling into homelessness is like.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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