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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
The squeeze is over and I guess it feels ok knowing that SM and I went through a time of strained finances and didn't dissolve into arguments. He thinks it's because most people are not honest about their finances and would rather lie to pretend like they are doing all the right things. My world was somewhat warped. We somewhat returned to the way I was feeling at the beginning, where I became isolated and couldn't share emotions. I don't know whether I should be relieved that his closeness is easily restore when he has some stability in his life or hang on the fact that it so easily retracts when life becomes difficult. I don't feel cut loose but I guess I saw him in his more irritated presentation. I'm happy that he was able to get a job where people value him but I'm feeling more cornered than I've wanted to recently. Everybody seems to think that I have all the ability to find a nicely paying job but all I've got so fr were recruiters that sound excited and just never contact me again after I sacrifice up to two hours of my work day and get significantly behind on work to get myself out there. After that I have days where I can't take a break and am expected to keep up with the offshoots of the tasks of all the members of my team. I take in all the image portions of the tasks they send me and the sickly sweet promises of better paying but insecure jobs that I keep receiving but never getting offered interviews for bother me. My self view hasn't changed much. I thought it would be just as easy when I was reluctant to even begin searching. I've done all the necessary steps to get myself out there, editing and re-editing my resume and putting my best picture on job websites and writing cover letters. Some places don't even bother to show that they received my resume. I don't much care what results from formally admitting this but I'm marking myself. It doesn't help immediately but I feel better the next day, more airy and I almost feel like I don't want to do it the next day until I have left the time spent with SM and am left to my own devices and getting potentially cornered by my parents, asking what I did wrong or trying to nose in on the process even when I've clearly shown that I have put myself out there in all the proper ways. I have looked at the LinkedIn profile of my only friend, a smart guy that I meet rarely to chew over some events and introduce new people in my life. He has, what looks like, a life experience of jobs and certificates and I feel insane going out there as myself when I'm competing with people like him in the job market. I've been feeling like writing some book or short story but I know I lack the motivation to keep at it for more than an hour. I've been having vivid dreams of abandonment and trauma, of cow parts littering a metropolitan area and SM not having time for me because he's off serving the needs of other people. I don't feel like he is beholden to me but my personality drastically drops from wanting to be intensely close to someone to feeling like they are an acquaintance. I sometimes feel like I'm on the outside looking in when I see some of the ways he responds to me and I sometimes miss the simplicity of always being wanted. It's a freedom I didn't have to practice before and it's very different from the freedom of doing whatever I want. I technically could but SM wants to spend all our free time together. I don't really mind. It's nice having someone that I haven't hung infallibilities on to provide an ear and my own recollections. The only thing that I don't entirely agree with is his ease of transition from respecting people to not respecting them based on sexual freedoms. We both don't run around and prefer something more personal with a single person but he lacks respect for those that lead their lives inversely. I feel like he neglects to respect people for being different. He was more readily able to respect difference in religion than that. He thought I was sleeping around when I said my parents accused me of doing that when I went on many first dates to get to know people off of OkCupid to see who I wanted to date next. He didn't give me the benefit of the doubt even though he was interested in me. He didn't even know me and I already had to prove something to him and I don't really like that. Related to this but not entirely endemic is the way I've oscillated lately between wanting to fix things by being very close to him and wanting to outwardly basically ooze how distant I feel from him sometimes. Don't get me wrong, he's the best person I've dated and we iron out arguments fairly smoothly. I end up putting a high value on that and overcoming my sensibilities. I don't feel like it's right but he does understand the world similarly and thinks in nearly an identical way. I feel doom in the air and I don't understand from where. Maybe it's in the way the relationship evolved from something really personal and healing into some colorblind reality where I don't understand his behavior really well because it seems a lot like disinterest in sharing some deep slice of his reality and guarding for self preservation and just the new reality where he's used to me and expects some subset of behaviors from me. I can't think of anything that would break that mold. If I choose to stay at home during the day, he is used to that. If I choose to come over and stay really close to him, he's used to that too. He's even used to platonic behavior while we hang out. In fact, I've been doing that a lot lately and it seems to put me at ease because I don't expect a reactive behavior from him to any tenderness I put forward. It also leaves me free to comfort him in a way that I don't have to reveal how distant I truly feel. I get glimpses, here and there, of how I remember him. He, more frequently, surprises me with some doting action or another, wanting to hold me close or vice versa. It's still a very different landscape from what I'm used to from him. According to him, it's normal for a relationship and I suppose it leaves me free to form relationships with inanimate objects while I'm at home. I feel better when I game or watch a show on Netflix. I still feel complete when I hold him and drag my fingers along his jaw. It sometimes hurts though having these feelings when he's often preoccupied. I often feel like reigning it in to avoid having a reason to blame myself for making myself vulnerable enough to feel that way. I want him as a permanent fixture in my life since he's, by far, the most reliable person I know and dotes on me in a way that makes me feel like he feels the same way for me as I do about him sometimes. Maybe I'm just feeling all this because I don't really interact with people much. Either way, interacting with him is plenty of socialization. Eventually, it'll stop being so hot or cold, I'm sure. I'm just not getting used to the relationship as soon as he is and I'm not so far deep in the bad job market as he was for the month that he had to wait before he started to work at his nicely paying and highly promising job. I guess I'm a bit relieved that I get to concentrate on my own mood management than his while he was going through all the negatives about working for a company that didn't value his work and the pinch he felt while he racked up a credit card bill while he waited for his new job. He says he'll be fine and I'm sure he will. He's very responsible and mature which is one of the things I like about him and one of the reasons why I'd like to hold fast onto him. If this journal taught me anything, it's that my feelings come and go in extremes and that I should expect some level of shenanigans from anybody in my life. In this case, I need to be understanding that he went through a stressful period of his life and just be there for him because he's very sweet when he's not feeling a pinch. He says he's feeling revitalized again. I sorta am but I would be ok just staying like I did when he was in that funk. Having no expectations for me as a girlfriend in terms of intimacy and even aversion to it was calming. All I really need is someone to talk to to feel sane and someone that treats me with respect. I don't need to be wanted if he doesn't want to. It hurt at first but to feel ok with it, I had to accept it and learn to live around it and put more meaning in my life outside of the relationship. I don't feel like that's a bad thing. Maybe it's just another step to socializing easily with people. I definitely still feel grateful that he healed my ability to trust people substantially. He's also the only person that I can see myself with indefinitely and that I know I can reason through disagreements with. I don't care if I have to tamper with my addiction to physical contact. I lived alright with much less than he provides before he came along.

Le Visage Inconnu
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