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Nanie's Vantage
Fantasy Reality
I watched my older sister graduate from highschool two days ago. I stayed up late studying that night. Yesterday, the day after, I was tired. I took two finals, four hours of testing. I think I flunked Geometry. By the time I got home everything felt surreal, like I was living in some haze, like reality wasn't real, like I was living in a child's fantasy world where nothing mattered, where pain didn't exist, and yet I was crying... I don't know why. Maybe it was all the pent up stress, the hours upon hours of studying for the collective total of ten hours of testing. Maybe it was the sadness, the sadness from loving one who will never love me. Maybe it was the frustration and self inflicted hatred for doing bad on two other finals after studying. Maybe it was just that life is getting to be too much, too overwhelming.

I constantly feel like I'm on some whirl wheel of emotions, constantly everything is a blur, I go up and down, almost as if I exist aside from everything else, as if it's all in one reality and I'm in another... no, as if I'm in some fantasy, some surreal fantasy.

I just sent my older sister off. She's going to forensics (speech) nationals. Our coach, her, her friend, and the guy I like. I'll never be as good as them. I'll never be in her place. I suck at forensics. I try, really hard. I practice. I'm shy. I get nervous and panic before rounds. I mainly do drama. I tried poetry and prose. Maybe next year I'll do a bit of commentary. I'm not political. I try to keep up but I can't. I read my sister's LD case and I'm lost, I can't refute it for her. I am pathetic, no wonder he doesn't return my feelings, I'm not pretty, I have no self confidence, and I suck.

Nanie Chama
Community Member
  • [02/06/07 05:31pm]
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