Yesterday, between five - to - seven in the morning, my dearest Samurai passed away...

I found him on the carpet of my room at roughly four in the morning after getting off the phone with Taylor, collapsed. He couldn't move his lower body, and his breathing was congested. His eyes were glazed over, implying the pain had rendered him unable to see. At first I put him on my bed, but he just seemed so fragile there... he kept trying to get up and not succeeding, he would twist and claw the blankets. So I made him a bed out of a pillow and my laundry basket, and put it somewhat near my bed.

Travis and Devin came to check on him, too. We tried to get him to drink and eat, but he wouldn't open his mouth for anything. I called all the emergency numbers for the animal hospitals in the city, but the voicemail of each one claimed that the next was the one in charge of handling emergency services, until eventually I was sent in a circle. I couldn't bear to watch him, and this is where I made my mistake... I went to bed, saying that I would take him in the morning if he was still... alive. I prayed for him, something I rarely do, begging whoever was out there listening to me to let him pass without suffering too much if it was his time.

When I checked on him two hours later, he was gone. His face told me he had not gone easily, and that will always haunt me. I didn't bring him to the vet when the warning signs started cropping up that this day was coming... I guess I was in denial, and being quite poor I was hesitant to drop two hundred dollars or more on minimal chances of any real help. I didn't really expect it to happen this way, which was foolish of me. I'm so sorry, Samurai...

I wrapped him up in a blanket with the basket and put him outside in the cold, which bothered me, but there wasn't any other choice. I had wanted to bury him in the woods beside my old house on Bunting, because he had loved that place and so did I, but it was just still too damned cold for that. So I chose to have him cremated. I wouldn't get his ashes back as that was too expensive, but it wasn't too steep and his ashes would be scattered across a beautiful park in Pembroke. He loved being outdoors, I'm sure his spirit would love that more than being cooped up in some urn anyways.

My mom brought me today to hand him over, and I will never forget watching the assistant take his basket up the stairs, away from me forever. Goodbye, Samurai... you would have been 14 years old this August. You weren't too old, but you weren't too young either.

He was supposed to die from kidney cancer five years ago, but he held on all this time. He was a strong cat, and he was a fighter until the very end. He was my incredible baby, I loved him so very much. I was hoping he'd still be around when I have kids someday, but I guess I can still show them pictures... he was just so beautiful. Part of me still expects to see him in all the usual spots he frequents -- the back of the couch at the window, the floor in the living room, the kitchen when I go to get something, when I leave the shower... him on the staircase when I come home, meowing at me...

It's just so hard to believe he's really gone...

I cried on the way home after handing him over, though I struggled not to. I don't want to cry in front of other people, even if they tell me it's ok. It's hard to accept, but I'll be ok... Subconsciously, I think I knew this day was coming. It was just his time.

Goodbye for the last time, Samurai. I love you.