Should I have stayed up?
I always wanted someone. When I was small, several "ones" were clearly impossible. I never really understood why my "mom" didn't treat me like she treated my "brother" and "sister". It's because I wasn't hers. Because my real mother left when I was a baby, after deciding she no longer wanted to be a mother.
Does everyone want someone, like that? I wanted one person, just one, as I got older, one that I could touch, one that could know everything. That I could tell everything. My precious memories, that have disappeared with time, I could talk to her about those times until it was as if she were there with me. She could actually be there for new memories. I wanted someone, so I looked for someone, and I accepted some people as that someone. I never truly found that, not in any of them. And I watched them disappear one by one. My lovers. But never truly my lovers. Not actually a lover gained and lost, but more like a pretender... we met, we pretended for a long time, partially because we thought we were actually in love, we wanted to be in love, we wanted to find that person at last. But then we parted. Sometimes, it was bitter. Sometimes I was hurt. There weren't many, but there were enough. Once, it hurt so much I thought I'd die. Another time, it faded, and faded, until it collapsed on itself, and in one night of bitter pain, and tears, i never felt a thing for that entire expanse of memories, for that person, again. Once, I tried so hard, I fought so hard to keep it from ending, and she turned bitter and rejected me in every way, and left.
My past lovers. But, not actually. Just more lonely children. We met each other, we held each other, we wanted to be in love forever. We said "I love you", over and over, as if trying to convince ourselves. And finally, after different amounts of time, we realized, even if only subconsciously, that we won't walk through the rest of our lives together. We never would.
I still care about all of them... she, who hurt me. I grind my teeth to think about what she did to me, when I was a needy, and ignorant child. She didn't have to do it like that. But I don't hate her completely. I just wish she could have done it another way, so maybe I could have said goodbye and moved past it, all that time ago.
She, who began to resent me a little, which turned into arguing, which turned into us walking our separate ways... I wish I was who I am today, back then. I wouldn't have snapped and argued. I wouldn't have let it end that way. I'd have been calm with her. I'd have slowly realized what had to happen, and I'd have let her go softly, back into the cold reality of this struggle that we all have in common. I'd have let her go gently, and thus, I'd have let myself go gently. I wish I could see her again, and apologize. Just tell her I'm sorry that I wasn't, back then, who I am today. Tell her that it doesn't matter if we're "together" or not. That I care about her, and I hope she's okay. I hope she feels happy soon, and forever. I hope it's not so cold and painful for her.
She who started to hate me, and reject me, I wish her head were more clear, I wish she could have calmed down and listened to me, because every time she got angry, it ruined me inside, it made me want to cry, it made me desperate, it made me want to make her see, it made me try to explain emotions and deal with issues that I couldn't put into words, until I was tongue-tangled and trying hard, and failing, and she lost all hope in me. And even though she unleashed a cold, terrible emotional pain on me, and broke my heart again and again with words, I won't ever forget how gentle she was. I won't ever stop hoping she's okay. I won't ever stop loving the beautiful things I saw, even if I can never speak to her again. I tried not to let it get to me, seeing her put herself in the hands of boys that I didn't trust. But it's out of my hands. And I hope they deserve her. And sometimes I still hope that I didn't die, in her eyes.
Even if they never look past what happened between us, when we were mistaken children looking for someone to hold, even if they never wonder how I am, and if my endeavors destroyed me or if I found home, I won't forget why I cared about them. And I will always hope they're okay... I don't want them to hurt, just like I don't want to hurt. I don't want the other children to be destroyed out there. Some, I'll nod a silent greeting to, on the street- the faces who are strangers to me. But the ones I knew... the ones I loved, if they were girls, or if they were friends who I held and who held me for a period of time, I want them to be okay. Even if I never see them anymore, and if I'll never see them again. Some, whose names I don't remember. I remember why I loved them.
But even still. There has always been something inside me, something that has grown, probably a product of never being truly loved by my "mothers". Because, I wasn't their real child. I always noticed when they were being partial. And I always knew why. I hardly knew my father until I was a teenager. And even after we were exposed to each other more, I was terrified of him. Anything could get me screamed at. And he abused me a few times. One time in particular, he beat me terribly. I never had a family other than this. My brother and I grew apart, becoming vicious to one another, having no patience for one another, trying to hurt each other as badly as possible, trying to be the winner. Until we grew older, and just became totally indifferent, and emotionally dead towards one another. It's because of this, I think, that I remain an outsider, looking in. Without fail... sometimes, I just want to be alone. It didn't matter if I was in love. Sometimes, I was asked to stay awake with her... but instead, I went to sleep. And, should I have stayed up? Maybe I just hadn't met anybody who I'd sacrifice a bit of my well-being for? Someone I valued more than sleep, or a bit of alone time. Sometimes I'd have to persist, for alone time, or for sleep. And it would disappoint. But I needed it. And I got it. No matter the love... no matter how bad it would hurt to see them go. I always needed to be by myself. I always had to have nights of silence. Waiting, for the one who I'll be able to have a night of silence... with. Not one I'll have to escape from to get my silence.
I'm not their lover. Not any of them. I don't know if I ever was, even. I don't know about the technicalities of love. The love that everyone treats like a board game. I don't know if I can technically say I love them. But this feeling... this feeling, like I want to protect them, or I at least want them to be protected, this feeling, that I want them to be safe, and I want them to be peaceful... I think it's more than the stupid rules everyone is playing by. Because I've forgotten that stupid game, and I've realized that love is much more than technicalities, and what others think. It was that, that ruined and turned bitter, relationships i had with good people. Others just like me. Others I care about today, but can no longer see or speak to, because technically, we should be bitter with one another. I don't care about childish technicalities on such serious subjects, not anymore. So I don't know if I am technically anything to them. But I hope they're safe... I hope it's not too cold. I hope it doesn't hurt too much. I hope they've found ways to live with the solitude. The rejection. The silence. I hope they maybe, when they're sitting in silence next... I hope they won't feel totally powerless. I hope they're never destroyed.
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