Soon to be editted: Started on 9/22/14 12:32am. Now Public..And now Finished 2/21/2015 1:33am
I tried writing this earlier, but my laptop sucks so much that it gave me the blue screen of death and crashed all the writing that I typed out on this Gaia journal. I should’ve known better than to write on a platform that doesn't automatically save the work in it...Maybe should've used Microsoft Office but I don’t really like recording my state of mind anywhere else, but here. But I can’t do anything about it now so I have to start over.
I actually wrote this in September of 2014..I thought I wrote this in October, damn. Guess I wrote it even earlier...It is now February 20th of 2015...Just didn;t feel like re-typing it again and kept putting it off because I felt it took too much time...Well, here I am on a Friday night..Nothing to do..Guess I can just...Submerge in my thoughts for awhile. I tried to do this last night, but I couldn't find my USB to where I saved this...But I found it..
I have a lot of topics that I want to cover...But I guess I'll finish with the topics that I started last time...Or last year..
It’s amazing what you can choose to remember and not remember. Time has flew past me the past few years. Looking back, it has been nothing but a blur. I’ve met people on here that I don’t remember. I find that to be terrifying. How can I get to know someone; their names, likes, where they are from. And don’t remember them? It seems like a dream.
There was this one girl. I watched a movie with her on Skype. It was this psycho movie with Christian Bale. He goes around having fantasies of killing people. I watched this whole movie with her….And I don’t remember her…I remember how she looked like. But I don’t remember anything about her. Not her name. Where she lives. Am I going crazy? I’ve heard of schizophrenics living in a world where it doesn’t exist. Am I a schizophrenic? I’m not sure; but the thought of it scares me. Not remembering them makes it seem like the world that I was living in, at that moment....Makes it...Not exist. Did you understad that? That was a little confusing but hopefully I worded it effectively for it to be understood.
Letting go of people on a whim, and choosing not to care about certain people that won't affect my life; even though I got to know them...It's a strange thing. That was just one example..There are several more people; but I just..Don't remember them as clearly..It frightens me a bit..To know how I can forget people like that on a snap of a finger..
Subconsciously attracted to people that resembles family members. That's a real thing! Back in the day, day...I used to be; attracted to this girl on here. Named Marissa. I don't think she gets on anymore but. I used to find her to be really attractive. I thought she looked similar..But I couldnt pinpoint on WHO she looked like. Until I stopped talking to her for a long time. She said she was hispanic and asian. Didn't talk to her for awhile...Then something snapped in my head. I knew EXACTLY who she looked like. She looked JUST like my oldest sister!!! LOL. Like, everything...Maybe the hair was different. If I can post two pics of them next to each other..They would look like sisters. That kinda freaked me out and disgusted me. I never looked at Marissa the same again ever since I connected those dots.
Speaking of Marissa...She 'hurt' me awhile back thats why I stopped talking to her. Probably will never talk to her again, even if given the chance..But I feel sorry for her now... I used some of my ninja stalking skills to find her and see how she was doing...And I found her. Not on here, but somewhere else...And man...Her life is ******** up; no wonder she was so ******** up when we started 'talking'. Has daddy issues. Foster home. Had to move multiple times to different foster homes. Had to split from her younger sibling due to the foster care ordeal..And sexually abused....No wonder she wanted attention all the time. From males especially. And posting those half-naked boob pics of her all over her profile. Like damn...You were really ******** up....Kinda made me sad at myself for how mad I got at her. If only you knew Za. And I'm not making this up...She had photo's and everything. Her best friends from the foster home and all that..If you think you got it bad...Somebody else definitely has it worst...
I can't imagine myself going through what she went through. I would have probably went crazy...And Gaia was her place to vent...This was what she used to distract her from her situation in the real world...Where she found some sense of 'peace'. And I had to go and s**t on her when she did me dirty. At the time, for me; I felt like she deserved it. But...Like damn Za, you were pathetic for that bro...If only I knew how ******** up her life was, I wouldn't have made her feel like s**t for the way she did me...But she is a lot better now. I mean, looking back; I guess she deserved it at the time. She was with multiple people and lying that she was with only 'me' when she was with like 7...Both guys and girls. But whatever made her happy right? Thinking about it now, she was so ******** up I should had never talked to her. Just because she was ******** up doesn't mean she gets to ******** other people up too....She is what; guys call...Hmmm..What was it...She's one of those girls that turn nice guys into wolves. Turns that good dude into a player and a womanizer who goes around and does that to other women. And the cycle repeats itself...
All of that originates from...Your childhood. And a father figure. If only she had a dad that was there for her, a stable childhood. Who showed her attention as a dad. Maybe she wouldn't have been so ******** up...If only she was never in foster care and had a typical family. Maybe she wouldn't have had those issues. But shoulda woulda coulda, it's reality. Thats why being a father is such a big deal for me...If you're not there for your kid, whether its a boy or girl...They are going to be ******** up and have serious issues...Thats also why I would NOT want to be a father for a LONG time....That is a big deal. A huge responsibility...If you're not a good dad, your kids are going to be ******** up...Majorly..Sometime in the future I will be...But not right now. Not anytime soon..I don't believe I am mature enough to handle that. She is a perfect example of what happens to a child when you don't have a stable childhood and have good parents to take care of you and raise you...
Knowing that about her now...And after seeing that reality check...I am deeply grateful for what I got in life...My parents. Family. How they raised me. I used to think my life sucked and I wanted to commit suicide multiple points during my life...But always know that someone has it worst than you..And you just gotta stay strong and move through it. You have to be grateful for what you got...Because somebody else isn't as fortunate as you are... I've always heard that phrase. And always shrugged it off because like, I don't see any people like that in real life; or are going through those kind of situations so it must be bullshit and doesn't exist...But now that I've seen it...On a first hand account...I truly am grateful and happy for everything that I got.
Change, and why change is not stupid, or 'ignorant'
So I recently made a 'new friend' on here. And she made a status recently. It said something to the likes of "Gaia changes people, if it changed you. You're ignorant."
Now, read that quote. Read it for a second time. And read it again. Think about it for 60 seconds. Now read it one last time. Everybody interpretates things differently. So the first time I read that, I interpreted that in a certain way. I read it again for the second time, and I may have interpreted that in another way, or heck; even a third way when I read it a third time. Everybody has a different way of interpretating things. Certain songs may mean one thing to one person and a completely different thing to another person.
My first reaction was....What an absolutely ignorant status. It sounded as if, change is bad. And if Gaia changed you, it meant that you are an ignorant person for letting it change you. Because how can you let a website change you? As a person?
And my response to that would be....Why would it be ignorant if it DID change you? You make it sound as if change is a bad thing. Why would you want to stay the same? When you can get better? Maybe YOU are the ignorant one.
And my second interpretation to reading that was...Gaia changes some people. And if it changed you, you might had been ignorant at the time if it DID change you.
If that was how it was meant to be interpretated, then cool. Because most of the people who used this site, especially in the beginning were young people. And we were all young and ignorant when we were little..But I don't know if thats how it was meant to be interpretated, maybe I'm just over thinking it.
I think I feel more strongly about it in my first interpretation because I felt like it DID change me..Using this site definitely changed me as a person..And since it did, she would be calling me ignorant. And if I am ignorant to you, then I have no idea how we are friends. But thats just how I interpretated it...How did you interpretate that? Leave a comment maybe? lol..
I guess what I'm trying to say is...If thats what she meant in my 'first interpretation' then she is the ignorant one and we should probably not be able to be friends...because change is not a bad thing. Learning to adapt is not a bad thing. Being naive and believing in the tooth fairy and santa claus and then finding out that they are not real is not a bad thing. Learning that the world is indeed not flat but round is not a bad thing. Gaining knowledge and going from ignorance to knowledgeable is not a bad thing. If you stay the same forever you would be going nowhere. You constantly have to seek newer and higher goals to learn and achieve to become a better person. To change. And changing from this site is NOT a bad thing. You learn how many insecure and emotionally unstable people on here are...And you should probably stay away from people on here...lol. I'm kinda joking about the last part...I learned to not be so naive about people online and the pictures that people put on here..Just because its a picture of a person, don't be so naive to believe that its them. But thats how I took it...Saying that you will stay the same person and never change for anyone or anybody is just simply ignorance; because why stay the same that you are right now when you can get better, I just don't understand that mind set.
Loneliness and Validation.
I wanted to write a piece about loneliness and validation...But I've been writing for like 3 hours...And god I'm extremely tired...It is now officially February 21st of 2015. So this is why I don't like to write in my journal like that anymore...Takes a lot of time, effort, and energy..And a lot of thinking...And deep thoughts...And it just feels exhausting to try and put them into a word format...I don't want to half a** it either...Or stop midway...Should I continue my suffering? Or save it for another time? Ugh...Might as well go all the way...I wanted to touch on Loneliness and Validation because my professor touched on it during a lecture. He said that everybody...Wants to be validated. If somebody says "I love you" to another person, they expect to hear it back. Why? Because if they hear "I love you too" it validates their existence. It validates their love. And when a couple breaks up. And they hear their 'ex' saying "I love you" to somebody else. It hurts them. Why? Because they are not validating them anymore, but somebody else...And that hurts you because they feel they are no longer validated by that person. As if they don't really exist...I just thought he eloquently explained that really well..And it kinda hit home and explained to me why people feel heartbroken after a relationship....Could had probably wrote more and elaborated more..But that's all I can write on it for now..I have one more subject that I wanted to touch on...
Wanted to touch on loneliness and Valentines Day...But it'll just be too much so I'll have to forget about that..
A friend of mines posted this on Facebook when I first read it like a year and a half ago...Take a couple minutes and read through this.
"I'm sorry I have school, band and other obligations including a life. I can't text you all day like you want me to. I'm at a pivotal point in my life that could make or break me. The amount of concentration and work I put into my duties as a student directly affects the position I will hold in society for my adult career.
I'm sorry this upsets you. But this is the point where I either get to have my dream job as a veterinarian or flip burgers for the rest of my life because I didn't put in the effort expected to get into one of the only colleges offering a veterinary program in my state. This is what I want for myself and I have to zero in on my life goal. I can't half-a** this like I have everything else in my life. I will rise above and that unfortunately includes cutting my losses and moving on to greater things.
No this is not about you and you know who you are. This has been a public service announcement."
Ugh. I used to be EXACTLY like the guy that she is talking about...I wish I would had seen this sooner and way earlier..It definitely ruined a lot of relationships I had. If only someone would had been straight up with me and told me this sooner...LoL. I just thought this was really interesting..And truthful. I was young when I first read this and it caught me off guard on how right she was. "So THATS why this Person won't text me back!" They are basically so tired of my s**t that they don't respond back to me. lmao. But at least she told the guy straight up. Ugh. Just thought that was hilarious and to show it to any guy that feels that way.....It was a wakeup call for me....Have been wanting to finish this journal for so long...
And I feel like I have finally finished it...Could had wrote a lot more and elaborated more on some of these subjects...But don't nobody got time for that..3 and a half hours of writing should be more than enough...If you read this I hope you enjoyed it...This is probably going to be my first and last journal entry for this year...I just get too sad and depressed when I come on here...I meant to publish this around November of last year instead...Just kept putting it off until this year and this day...I hope you enjoyed reading through my thoughts, mind, and my thought process...Stay tuned? I don't know if I'll write another one...This might be my last one; ever..But who knows. Never say never. I hope you enjoyed. You might even subscribe to my journal, I dunno...Might even leave a comment...I'm not sure. Once again, thank you for reading, have a blessed day, and do whatever it is that makes you happy. Because remember: Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.(:
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