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The 13th Dating Trap
Copyright 2006 David Steele

�She�s so hot!�

�He�s a hunk!�

�Men/Women are only following one particular thing.�

�Why can�t men/women see previous my body/bank account?�

Females commonly dislike becoming evaluated or pursued by men solely for their physical attractiveness, and males generally dislike getting evaluated or pursued by ladies for their job or money.

When we don�t know somebody, it's natural to concentrate around the outdoors packaging. It is also understandable to be attracted to anything that's crucial to us, including appears or funds. Deep down we know that prospective partners, like us, need to be viewed as multi-dimensional beings, not only a body or even a wallet. But, in dating, whether straight or gay, young or old, unconscious singles commonly concentrate on the one large point that attracts them, and then wonder why their relationships don�t perform.

I propose the �PACKAGING TRAP� because the 13th Dating Trap.

In our culture we objectify folks by focusing on their age, gender, race, clothes, hair, weight, job, finances, and other external characteristics, and make generalizations about who they may be as someone. When scouting for possible partners, it truly is widespread for some singles to concentrate around the packaging initial, then not see a lot else beyond that. This functions each ways- rejecting some individuals because of their packaging, and pursuing other people as a result of their packaging.

Focusing on packaging can interfere even once you don�t intend to. True private story- Maggie and I met on Match.com only soon after she had the smarts to modify her search criterion when she wasn�t obtaining anyone compatible. My search missed her due to the fact I selected 5� 2� as my minimum height (Maggie is 5� 1 ��) and she chosen her age and older (I�m 18 months younger). Neither of us intended to discriminate based upon such external packaging qualities and reject possible partners younger or shorter! When Maggie modified her search criterion to contain men several years younger she identified me, and I�m quite glad she did.

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It really is understandable to have preferences and reactions to external packaging; even so, if our objective is definitely an internal expertise, for example to be happy, loved, and fulfilled inside a partnership, we might ought to balance our attraction towards the outdoors packaging by paying more attention for the particular person inside.

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I recently had a conversation using a single friend who, soon after finishing our Relationship Achievement Coaching for Singles program (RESTS), has been working with one of our relationship coaches for many years. He was frustrated about getting involved in relationships that seem promising in the beginning then don�t perform out. He and I have had an on-going debate about his weight requirement- no much more than five pounds overweight (I could never ever figure out how he would measure that!). Body shape was his 1st and main sorting tool, pursuing women with wonderful bodies (who had been normally not attracted to him) and right away rejecting ladies who weren't slender. Nevertheless single and nearing retirement age, he was despairing of discovering a companion. I like him a good deal, wanted to view him content within a connection, and really wanted to assist. This time, our conversation focused far more specifically around the Law of Attraction, and how his weight �requirement� could possibly be interfering with his achievement.

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Bear in mind, the Law of Attraction can work for you personally or against you. In the event you objectify other folks by focusing on their packaging, then you definitely will most likely be objectified in return. As a man objectifying females by their appearance my buddy may be attracting ladies who objectify him by his appearance, job, money, auto, or other external packaging characteristic, and might not be capable of the kind of partnership he really wants.

In our RESTS plan, we specify that Needs are practically often behavioral events inside the connection, not traits of a companion. This has been difficult for a lot of singles that are utilized to generating a list of what they want in their excellent companion. I prefer to say, �you could make a list of a hundred traits or qualities, find somebody that meets all of them, and Nonetheless be miserable.�

We aid singles refine their list and translate their needs from traits of a partner into behavioral connection events by asking �What does _____ mean to you?� and �What have to come about in your relationship to be _____?� Any personal trait or characteristic can be transformed into a behavioral connection event, such as �Good listener� into �Good communication� or �Deep listening to each other.� The more distinct and bottom-line- the much better. Most requirements go each methods and involve both partners, like �good communication� and�addiction-free.�

Balance will be the key. RCI coach Mike McCartney said �JUST the outdoors without the inside will not function. JUST the inside with no the outdoors won't perform for the vast majority,� and I agree. It truly is natural to possess some requirements associated to packaging, such as race, height, age, as well as physique variety or weight, but I choose to de-emphasize focusing on packaging that doesn�t have significantly to complete using a high quality connection, and emphasize what is essential to have the life and partnership you would like.

In practice, extremely couple of external traits pass the requirements test- �If you have been completely in really like and actually wanted this relationship to work, would you break it off because of _____?�

The 2001 film �Shallow Hal� features a wonderful example of this. Jack Black as Hal, a single guy obsessed with external packaging, was hypnotized to view only the particular person inside and pursued Gwyneth Paltrow�s illusionary slim character. Then, when the hypnotic spell broke and he saw her actual obesity, he decided that her weight didn�t interfere with his really like and want for her.

My pal held steadfastly to his weight requirement, fearing that if he let go of it, he would end up with someone he was not physically attracted to. I tried to reassure him that with the Law of Attraction �like attracts like,� and if he let go of focusing on weight he may be opening the door for his soul mate- a superb woman who is attracted to him, to whom he too will likely be attracted.

In the finish of the evening, my buddy nevertheless seemed skeptical, but he said I gave him a good deal to consider. I hope he can let go and give the Law of Attraction a likelihood to operate for him- at this point he has practically nothing to drop!

The 13th Dating Trap (to become added to the existing �12 Dating Traps�):

PACKAGING TRAP: Focusing on outdoors packaging, such as someone�s physique, looks, job, wealth, material possessions, and so on, overlooking the reality from the individual inside. Opposite in the Marketing and advertising Trap; as opposed to seeking to sell your self with eye-catching packaging, you concentrate around the packaging of other people.

Remedy: Define your specifications for the life and connection you really want and seek to balance your attraction towards the packaging by paying focus for the reality of the individual inside.

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