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I can hear my heart beating.
And I think about it, my heart is a muscle, I wonder what all of this stress and all of this poison has done to my heart.
My heart gave up on me once. But that was at a different time, when I was not a whole person, but bits and pieces of a skeleton, bits and pieces of a carcass that I let get picked apart. And I mean, I'm stronger than I was then.
Stronger than I was then.

I'd like to think that I can trust my body if nothing else about myself.

But more than that, I know I can trust my friends.
I don't think I give them enough credit, for sticking by me, being there when I need them, helping me along. All of them in their own unique ways. Each of them with a seperate heir of mystery, each of them with darker, more dangerous sides, their own perils, their own triumphs. Their own generosity, and cruelty, capacity for love and hate. I admire them for the sides they let me know. I wonder about them for the sides they don't. In some I see a reflection of parts of myself. In others I see things I aspire to be, things I have been before. I love them because they give me no reason not to. And because they always seem to mean well. They have all influenced my life in some positive way.
I hope they all know how much they do mean to me. Every. Single. One.

Tonight has been a ******** up night, the twist-off cap of a very good weekend.

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