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I'm feeling pretty wiped out right now. I'm also not in a particularly good mood..

I'm back at school now and once again I feel left out... I was with Chris, Anyi, Tess and Cherie last night having dinner. They likely wouldn't have thought to invite me had I not asked to go with them, let alone went to their room. As we were leaving, I had to run up to my room to get my phone. I didn't take too long, and I told them I'd be right back. When I got back down to the entrance of the building, they had just walked to the car and gotten in. Now I could be totally wrong, but I'm pretty sure had I not run to the car, they would've left without me.

So needless to say, I feel singled out. Tanner invited me to his dorm though to have a little back-to-school party, which was awesome. To be honest, he's the only one that has actually shown interest in hanging out with me. Anyi and Chris and the rest are nice when I hang out with them, but it's exactly that; I'm hanging out with them, they don't appear to be hanging out with me.

This kind of thing is something I'm very used to though, so it's nothing new to me. In every situation I've been in, I always feel like the one who's not part of the group. Maybe it's my social awkwardness or Aspergers. Maybe it's the way I am or something... but I have no idea. I always thought I was a pretty nice, fun guy to hang out with.

The truth of the matter is, people never engage or initiate things with me. If anything happens that involves me, I'm usually the one to initiate it. Otherwise, I pretty much go unacknowledged.

In fact, I can name over 5 people who do/did much of this to me:

-- My best friend
-- A girl I met in school
-- A girl I dated
-- Another person from school
-- Another person from school
-- Nice girl from school
-- A guy I went to school with

I also have gotten this kind of thing from people on Gaia, but I'm not gonna use names. I don't mean to say anything bad about anyone (and it's TOTALLY possible people don't do this purposefully), but this thing that occurs between me and other people makes me not feel good about myself. It feels like I have nobody.

The interesting thing about this is, I have actually brought this situation up with Ray, who is part of the group with Chris and Anyi. He explained that it's normal for the group to dissipate a bit during the weeks of school just before summer vacation (which was around the time I talked to him about it). He reassured me that I'm not being left out, and that at some point he was going to throw a big party, which everyone (including me) would be invited to. It made me feel better to hear that, but so far no such party has happened.

I think out of all my friends here at Post, Ray was the one I connected best with besides Tanner. He absolutely did not mind my goofiness at all, and actually played along with it. xD But now he's gone, so yeah. = w=

I honestly feel like the gang doesn't care whether I hang out with them or not though, and that they're probably saying nothing, just accepting me in when I join them, because they don't want to hurt my feelings... I really hope I'm wrong about that. >.>

Even my best friend Ryan gives me the same treatment, though he's sort of a different story. He's not really much of a "people" person. I can understand that, but he also has been friends with me for 17 years. You'd think that would be enough time to grow some sort of attachment to me and perhaps invite me over once in a while without me doing anything, but nah..... When I go visit him, I'm the one that initiates the plans once again.

The ONLY situation where I don't feel left out of anything in any way is when I'm with Billy, Becky, Lauren and Emily. When I go see them, I feel like I fit in with them. I interact with the kids and I talk to Billy and Becky. Over the weekend when we were at Billy's house, the guys were having drinks on the porch, and they really wanted me to drink with them! That was really genuinely nice to see. Also, when my cousins go out for sushi, they *always* think to invite me. Perhaps that's one reason why I love hanging out with the family so much. When I'm' with them, I never feel left out. Not only that, but they're the one part of my childhood that's only changed somewhat over the years, but has never gone away.

So, that's it... Thanks, bye.