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sweet perfection wrapped in chaos
will it ever be okay?
no matter what i do, i will never be her.... and i am thankful for that... i don't want to be her... i just wish things between us were more relationship-like and less convenient... more like the way i imagine that they were when you were with her....

or maybe it is all just dreamed up in my head... maybe i just picture things had been that way...

maybe its just because we are in our 30's now that it all seems so much more difficult... we have both been hurt in the past... we even hurt each other... but now we are about to get married... but is it just because makes sense for us to be married?....

but i want to feel like your wife... i still don't feel like your girlfriend sometimes...

maybe it's because we have 4 kids to take care of... maybe i am just being hormonal and emotional...

i just always feel like the outcast... and as though nothing i do will ever be good enough... i have never met your standards and feel like i never will... which makes me wonder if you just keep me around because we made 2 babies and it's convenient...

i spend a lot of time lonely... i have been trying to be better as far as showing emotion... but we don't... we never have... which is why i feel like the rebound...

i guess i just don't feel loved which is why i sought comfort in others over the years... i don't want to be anywhere but here... but god, it hurts to feel so alone all the time... i am sorry that i have hurt you... and i know you dont really trust me... but i accept all of that and regret it all... i wish i could have recognized it all before i went looking for friendship elsewhere... because i was never looking for other men for anything other than just that... things just got messy because its hard not to love good friends, and when things get bad the grass always looks greener on the other side... but its not...

i love you... and i want to marry you... i'm just scared to death.... (you would think that after giving birth twice i could handle anything, but i'm not capable)

you will probably never read this... and even if you do, you probably won't respond... but i had to get it all off my chest somehow before the wedding...

Shorti Rock
Community Member
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