~I'm carrying around a jar; this jar holds all my repressed feelings.
I walk around all day carrying this jar hoping that someone will bump into me accidentally or intentionally and break my jar. I want to let everything out and be free and forced to face what I cannot. But there is something binding me to this jar.
Maybe it's a theory, a memory, a feeling, a thought or even a compulsion.
Maybe it is fear. I do fear a lot of things but mostly, I fear rejection and humiliation which are practically one and the same. However, each possess a different kind of shame.
Rejection brings shame to oneself. Humiliation brings shame to the surrounding individuals. I fear rejecting people, being rejected by them and witnessing it. I fear humiliating people, being humiliated by them, and witnessing it.
Ironically, it was rejection and humiliation that enabled the creation of the jar. A boy so sweet and delicate---untouched by society and people....was perhaps the thing that drew me to him in the first place. He carried a jar back then. I was the who bumped into him and shattered his jar. I freed him from the strife that came with carrying such a burdensome thing and I also freed him from me.
Once a jar breaks there is a moment of clarity and you realize how stupid the jar was in the first place and then you walk away as someone else picks up the shattered pieces and creates a jar for themselves.
It isn't entirely intentional because when you notice shatter pieces of anything you will want to fix it. Such an act provides fuel to an already big fire that is your ego.
In my jar I hold the real me, the me from back then. I was capable of so many things. I was even capable of loving a person whose only purpose was to hurt me. But that just goes to show what a loving person I am.
Even if I deny it... I believe in love.
It is these kinds of thoughts I keep in my jar.
I protect this jar even though all I want is for it to break.
It is hard for me to abandon such stubbornness though.
If it broke what kind of person would I become? Right now Im just a face with a body whose heart has no more room for error or disappointment. And because of that I walk around acting cold and handing out advice I cant even take myself.
Pretending to not care about people and life is so exhausting. Sometimes I wonder if I do it out of habit or as a tribute to the one who hurt me most. Who knows though.
Maybe its a theory, a memory, a feeling, a thought or even a compulsion.
I do know that as I am now, I am simply ordinary. A regular girl in the eyes of many. To my family..even a person who will never reach full potential.
I am dying inside and I stretch my hand out to my friends whom only see it as a silly gesture. They dont understand...
They are flawed though... like me...like everyone.
When faced with the extraordinary and the ordinary what would a person rather choose?
i wonder, what would the person be like who bumps into me intentionally?
Would that person accept me for who I am?
Would they tell me how stupid my jar is?
Does a person like that even exist?
I think I am a person worth knowing and worth loving in different ways. However, Ive experienced often times that a person will purposefully walk in a different direction as me out of fear that they may love me or care for me in ways they cant explain.
If that is the case for all people who have potential to break my jar does that mean I am to carry it forever?
For what reason do they not take a chance and break my jar?
Maybes its a theory, a memory, a feeling, a thought or even a compulsion.