I have been home for a little over a month now. I keep meaning to update my journal but I've returned to my job at Menards, a DIY home improvement centre. But it must say something that I enjoy working much more than college. I really love my job and the people I work with.
Speaking of the people at work, there are a few people there that I might of had crushes on. But it they didn't last long, I see them now as good friends instead. But one of them seemed like he may have liked me as well, which was okay, I mean, I did have a crush on him a little bit.
It just seemed like good friendly banter at first. Then he started texting me when I wasn't at work, all the time, when I didn't give him my number to begin with. I had left it on the contact list in case I needed to be reached if they needed help at work.
Again, this seemed okay at the time.
But then he seemed to be going out of his way to try to come over to my house or to go to his house. We work in the same department, so whenever I was there he wasn't too far away.
This started happening last week or so and this past weekend it kind of escalated because we were the only ones manning the department for the whole weekend. He would text me after I left. I started getting really weirded out by it all.
Yesterday, on Father's Day, I got home at 6 and my family was playing Minecraft and decided join in the fun. Then he texted me, so I told him about it and he instantly wanted to join. I told him it was an offline game, because we didn't have xbox live and we were all playing on the same console and TV. He went as far to suggest bringing over his own xbox AND TV so he could play with us.
This was a step way over the line.
I told him it was family night and we don't get to do this very often, which is true and a lot more gentle way of letting him down I thought.
Well, today I had the day off. And my Mum was at Menards grabbing a few things and was talking to him, because he had started following my family while they were in there too. He told my Mum what I had said the day before and she felt guilty about it. So she decided to invite him over for dinner. She called and asked me if it was alright.
This was an awkward situation in all kinds of ways. I felt obligated to say yes because I did still think of him like a friend and my Mum was right THERE talking to him when she called and asked, so saying no would have been super awkward.
Not wanting to deal with the residual awkwardness of saying no and then seeing him at work lead me to say yes.
This was not a good decision.
Immediately after the phone call, I started to get anxious and fixed on it. My brother stopped by to borrow the lawnmower and I talked to him about it. He told me to just tell the guy outright about how I felt about him. I felt marginally better after talking with him about it. He left and I sent him a text. Then I texted my Mum asking her why she invited him over and that I didn't want him to come over, because that was truth.
This text sent me into a full blown panic attack.
I started pacing, wringing my hands nervously and slowly unraveling. My Mum was confused and I told her I was freaking out. She called me back and asked me what was wrong and I just lost it. I started bawling and she was desperately trying to calm me down. She got off the phone with me, my panic attack still in full swing, and tracked down the guy, telling him t hat it was a bad time for my father and we would have to reschedule for an unmentioned other time.
I didn't calm down until a full hour later. I was a sobbing, shaking, and pacing mess.
I tried to calm down by taking a shower but it didn't help. My Mum arrived home for lunch shortly after the call and helped me calm down. She didn't know the situation involving me and this guy, I didn't tell anyone because I thought I could handle it myself. But I can't control it when I'm not present.
She felt so guilty because she didn't know I would react that way. ********, I didn't even know this simple invitation would send me into a freakin' panic attack.
She felt so bad... But now my family now knows the situation.
Also, I told the guy that I didn't like him in that way and thought about him only like a friend/work buddy and nothing more. I also told him that I was very uncomfortable about him coming over and that he needed to stop.
He understood and apologized for it, but I'm still anxious about it. I don't have to work with him until Wednesday, but..ugh....
Why did things have to get awkward...
Also, just when I think I understand my own sexuality, it throws me a curve ball. Anxiety and excitement feel the same to me, so it may have been anxiety I was feeling when I learned he had a crush on me and not the genuine excitement of looking forward to seeing him.
I like people, but maybe not in that way. Ugh...
The whole situation is more than I want to deal with. I can still feel the twitch of anxiety in my chest now, hours later.
Sorry, maybe it was more than anyone wanted or needed to hear or too personal or whatever. But I felt compelled to write about it hoping it would make me feel better. It did, a little.
It just left me super tired.
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