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The Cortex Queue
whatever whenever
continuing analysis
I honestly feel like The Mindy show is sending me thematic messages very similar to the situation I found myself in during the winter. Today's theme is emotional infidelity which I know I am guilty of. AM knows about it though, he knows that I'm struggling with this but still refuses to leave. I'd rather not venture and say why not because cynically, I would believe that it's because he couldn't find someone else and positively, he really does love me. Honestly, I think it's a combination of both factors and perhaps a few that I can't think to consider off the top of my head. I don't know why I won't let that bother me, the fact that JP created such an influence that I would seriously consider leaving the person that I had all my firsts with. I don't know if it's that bond or if I was truly scared of JP. I'd consider not, I was rather harsh with smaller pest animals, nothing as big or warmblooded as a cat though, but nonetheless insensitive. Once I painted a large spider until it either suffocated from the fumes or couldn't move because the nail polish dried. Another time I poured bleach on a toad, maybe because I thought it was dirty. I honestly don't know, but the fact that I was impartial perhaps makes my situation loads worse than the one that JP was drinking. I didn't say that all the things we have in common are positive. I have my own things that I turn to in order to deal with stress. Truly though, my only real negative is my eating disorder. I don't think that my minimizing stress by decreasing the amount of people I have around me at all times is quite as messed up. I guess that's still something he has over him, something his girlfriend was able to offer that I wasn't able to: a strong positive network of friends because she is a gregarious individual. I don't rue her, I am pretty indifferent. I know that I'm better than her in the vast majority of other factors. The only other positive that I can think of is her understanding healthy eating. Believe me, though, I 've made huge steps and maybe in less than a year I will come close without having to ditch guilty pleasures like Taco Bell and slurpees. Anyway, I don't envy her either for all that she has. I'm positive I saw her out with JP on the sidewalk and I walked past. I'm not entirely sure because she was shielding her face from the wind and I didn't get a good look of the guy. They looked about the right height, at least he did. I only think I saw her once at the turnstile at the train station. I may as well say that I have or have not seen them on multiple occasions. Anyway, now that I'm not in the city, I'm at peace. I no longer obsess about anyone. Only maybe 10 times at most per day does my brain touch up on JP. I had a dream about him last night. Interesting how that's happening when I'm finally relaxing and thinking less frequently of him. He was stern and upset in the dream. He was seated across the table at a restaurant from me as the best match in the group. The interesting thing wasn't that he wanted to leave but that he wanted to stay and he kept picking out the things that I could improve on. I don't know, I guess that's what's tainting my desire to talk to him again. I know that, if I come back, the only thing that he might see is flaws where I really don't see them and I really don't want to deal with his anxiety driven rough jokes. I'm feeling that much better after apologizing for my own eruption during one of his anxiety phases. I got extremely angry that he had moved on and finally let all my feelings be known about the entire situation. I did exaggerate about a lot of things such as the extent that his drinking bothers me. I honestly don't care. As a friend, it would be irrelevant to my life. It seems the more that I think about this, the more reasons I find that it made perfect sense not to leave AM for JP. I don't know, I'm kinda excited to see AM again after not seeing him since spring break back in the beginning of march. I wouldn't mind seeing what his friends are like and sampling what it would be like to live with him for a few days. It still confounds me where JP would've gotten it that AM is a horrible boyfriend. AM may have been inattentive, but he wasn't horrible. Either way, however I may approach it, AM is much more positive, he doesn't load me up with the small negatives of his life and I feel happier for it. Of course, he does tell me once in a while, but he doesn't overdo it. I altogether don't mention the negatives unless they have lasted for weeks or I have overcome them. Really, the vast majority of my issues go up here, where everything is nice and second to anonymous.

Le Visage Inconnu
Community Member
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