How can I fool myself to believe that everything is okay?
It really isn't and never will be. And it's all my fault. I don't want July to come because then it would be one year since her death and I don't want to accept it. I never want to accept that she's gone and left me here to rot. Uni is stressing me out, I'm barely passing and it's my fault for being so stupid. I know I am, it's what my parents tell me or the only thing they speak to me about. I'm honestly scared for this life of mine, I don't know what to do anymore.
I broke down on Tuesday, I really did have enough of everyone and myself so I went someone to kill myself but that seemed pathetic and I cried for 3 hours. When I did come home, my parents started yelling and everything and blaming all the bad things in life and how I wasn't a good child and I really felt low. It's always like this. It's only really me in this world, against the rest (Or maybe solipsism, since I believe in it more and everything is just there without being real.) I feel like cutting or stabbing myself. I should do it blindfolded so I won't cry and the sight of blood or just how I might miss him. It's the only real thought in my head, to kill or just die. I am so screwed up.
I'm freaking out more than usual, I don't even believe I have a boyfriend anymore, he's never around and we don't communicate or text anymore. There is this other guy, but I don't want to seem like he is a substitute for what don't have. The other guy offered to hug and cuddle me, but I declined because it was what I wanted, but not really from him. I hate this. I might as well just run away from society and go out to sea. Nature always seemed to calm me, with the trees growing for years on end.
If I do die, I want to become a tree, it is my wish.
· Sat May 10, 2014 @ 06:32am · 0 Comments