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There was a hole here. It's gone now.
'Ere The Flowers Unfold.
I haven't written a real journal entry in, well, years. But, seeing as I feel like I've no one to talk to, I suppose this will have to do.

I feel neglected in a way. Like, I feel like a kitten begging for attention, but I can't help it. I feel like he doesn't take care to notice me anymore. I used to be the one that he'd do anything for, no questions asked. But I feel like I'm just a shadow now. I fear he's fallen in love with her and is trying to fall out of love with me and it hurts. It hurts more than words can describe... Maybe I'm wrong, and for my sake I really hope I am, but it won't change how I currently feel. I want to talk to him about us, but I'm so scared of what he'll say. He doesn't seem excited about things I talk about anymore. Things that involve us. I know this distance doesn't help, but I'm so scared of what will happen. I've become so terribly depressed. He talks about "we"--him and her. What they're going to do. That they're trying to move elsewhere. Whenever I talk about him coming here, he doesn't seem very interested. Or if I talk about going there, it's the same thing. He used to be so excited, but not so much anymore. I'm scared that what I fear is a reality. Maybe he's too scared to tell me; to hurt me. But, I hurt so much living in fear that he doesn't care for me anymore.

I know I did a terrible thing. Something he'll never forgive me for. I'd go back and change it all if I could. I'd most likely be there right now if I was able to do so... I'm so sorry that I can't change this, Karl. I hate myself so much for it. I never wanted this to happen, but I can't help but blame myself. Had I been more assertive... I just never imagined this was how things would play out... I'm so sorry.

I love you more than words can say. I miss you terribly every day. I wish I could go back to that time when we were happy. I wish I could live those moments over again. I just want to be happy...

I wish more than anything I could be in your arms and hold you and never let go...
I wish I could see that face right in front of me and kiss you like there will never be a tomorrow...
I wish I could find the right words to tell you how beautiful you are to me and how much I truly need you here...

I'm sorry if I smother you.
I'm just terrified that I'm going to lose you.

Chthonic Catnip
Community Member
Chthonic Catnip
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