Feeling: Homesick
Listening to: Camille Saint-Saens - Danse Macabre
I walked around the city for almost two hours today. It was past 12am, when I walked out.
It was strange, because I had no destination. I always have a destination when I go somewhere, otherwise, I wouldn't be out at all. When I left the house, it was to go the store and get a chocolate bar which I was craving at the time. It's a two minute walk, but when I got to the crossroad where I should have turned right, I just kept walking straight.
What the hell happened?
It isn't like I forgot where I was going. But as I looked at the store and its bright lights, and the empty street in front of me, I realized something. Other than for my studies, and for this stupid craving, I hardly go out at all. In that moment, I wanted to call someone and hang out with them. Even if it was just to lurk outside in the smell of the rain and chat for a couple of minutes while drinking a beer. Even though I don't like drinking, it was the most appealing thought in the world right then.
And then, another thought struck me. I am completely alone here.
In that brief moment at this crossroad, I had these thoughts-- and immediately, I was overwhelmed with this loneliness. I've felt a little lonely before, but until that moment, I hadn't realized how lonely I was. I felt a mind crushing loneliness that I had never had.
It wasn't always like this. Until only about 6 years ago, I used to move a lot. But even so, it was always easy to make new friends. They just fall out of the woodwork for me. I'd find people I connect with, and I make an effort to be a part of their lives. My days and nights were filled with noise, and at some points, I felt like I even neglected some people because there just weren't enough hours in the day.
However, since moving here to Kilkenny, I have found myself lonely for the first time in a long, long time. And not for lack of trying. I talk to people daily. I am on good terms with everyone I go to university with. I chatter with people during lectures and breaks, and I spend time at the local arcade. But so far, I haven't found anyone I wanted to invite into my personal life. Even at the local music store, I haven't found anyone I want to talk to more than my visit in the store allows for.
I am not sure why, honestly.
So I walked around the city for a while, and I took turns I had never taken before. I explored a city I have lived in for over half a year, and I realized that I knew nothing about it. I never really delved into the outskirts area. I found out tonight that there are many restaurants out there, a few cafes, and an art shop as well. There are a few pubs nearby, and people walked the streets laughing.
I was listening to Celtic Woman at the time, and "Caledonia" came on.
Immediately, I thought of home. I stopped walking, and I texted one of my old friends, needing someone to talk to. Most of my friends would be asleep at this point, but not her. She and I used to always speak late at night back when we were still in school, and I was hoping she would still be awake. She was. She replied, and for a while, we bantered back and forth, avoiding the issue at hand. For a moment, I felt better. But then I thought about it, and I realized that my nearest friend was at least a two and a half hour drive away.
Now, of course, I have my internet friends. And I also have my scattered friends around different parts of the country. But in the dark of the night, when I just want someone to come out and drink a beer with me on my back porch, I have no one I can call. No one to just meet up with and hang out with. Not a single soul I can reach out to in the entire city that I can honestly call a friend.
And that, more than anything, keeps me awake at night. Tonight, I can't sleep because tonight, I took a two hour walk, and I thought about how my life has gone here in Kilkenny. And tonight...all I want in the WORLD is to go home. To go somewhere I belong.
Maybe I could still be just as miserable there, sure. I have a long way to go until I am better on that mark. But at least there, I won't be alone all the time.
It's something to think about.
View User's Journal
My Life As I Present It (:
Writing, venting, escapism.
 |
