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i don't know that i'm depressed. i have moods. i haven't cut myself, although i would love to. just rip myself up and bleed all over. i want to feel close to someone. it's like emotional porn i crave.
i tried to go through her journal partially for a project i'm doing and partially because i realized that going through it still made me feel things and i wanted to make a personal archive for myself of everything you posted. but one of them is private and i don't know how to get past it. it makes me want to cry. i almost wish i were still close to her but that was never healthy either. maybe. i'm afraid that she hates me now or is bored of me or just that i'm not to her taste and she is no longer willing to make exceptions for me and to be upset about that now is much too late.

i'm afraid that i've never had a real relationship with anyone and that i constructed all of it in my head. and i can't tell if that's my fear or just the easy way out. i don't want to believe that i was a stand in for her. do you miss me. do you miss me. when was the last time you cried for me? if you cry for me i'll hold you. literally the only thing i can do besides help with homework.
maybe you really were relying on me and that's why you started leaving the moment you didn't need to anymore. you feel self sufficient. you feel capable. and you like that. i make you feel guilty. i make you feel weak. and you don't owe me anything because i fell too far through. asked you to help me. and besides i always knew that i couldn't call you back for anything. always on your terms and that's what i agreed to.
the terms and conditions.
i still send him n***s. it gets me off. it still makes me feel angry and a little bit sick.
i can't tell if it's on your account but i usually pretend it is and blame you.
you said that you feel better. that you don't feel like killing yourself all the time and you realized how bad high school was. most of what it makes me think about it is you. which was bad and good you know. you said you were lonely. but i don't know what kind of lonely that is. i don't think it's my kind of lonely, where i don't want you to let go of me. if that was you saying goodbye i should have punched you in the face. but frankly i have no desire to do that. i just want to cry and i want you to hold me and sleep with me and christ.
guys make me feel sick and i still have one foot in the closet so i have no right
to be involved with girls. i want intimacy more than i want sex. i want intimacy more than i want a future. i want intimacy more than i want a career.
i want to throw up. i feel fat, but sometimes it feels like a good reason to keep myself away from you. so that i don't create some kind of pretense. probably you'll text me in a week or a month and then you'll act like everything's perfectly normal and what am i upset about. but i'm this isn't an accident. this isn't. even if it isn't though, what can i say? if you talk to me, i'll immediately think about sex. not only sex, but also sex. and considering that, how could we be best friends? we've set a precedent and you know it. you're not stupid. this isn't an accident. it may be the best ending, but it isn't the only ending and it is a manufactured ending. or a manipulated ending.
i don't want to go back home and be alone in that house. because then all of the conditions are the same except that one. you were my best friend. so far as i could tell. you were who i talked to. i think i was more open with you in some ways than i have ever been with anyone else, and regretted it the least. i don't regret it now, i'm just still upset. people who think i don't feel anything are dead wrong. you know it.

i have never seriously believed that i was not enough for myself. and that is part of what makes me upset. i will never be desperate enough to change that fact that i am only really close to myself. you could say that everyone is that way. but no. there is a difference when you give yourself up to other people with regularity.